Today at work I started to observe myself more closely to see how I participate throughout the day and what prominent patterns come up in my actions as words and behaviors. In general I am still rather disappointed with how I move through the day because there are so many moment where I suddenly wake up within myself just to see that I was missing the moment where I was completely unaware of my participation within it. For example I was in my room where I went in to take some things from my locker, after I was done with that I turned around to walk away and suddenly remembered that I have to lock it. So I turned back and saw that I have just done it. Wow – these moments really piss me off and I get so angry with myself where in my mind I go “what the fuck man, where have you been there”. That’s a good question because I can’t remember where I was there?
So within the coming blogs I make it my job to identify major patterns that I exist in and as while being at work and why I Participate in my mind so much, as well as how and where and with whom I do it? Basically I have to do whatever it takes to make sure that I release myself from the need to think and thus ground myself here in my physical body where I remain only in my breath.
I have already got some perspective in relation to this point and it made total sense to me. My workplace, which is a platform in the sea, is rather a busy environment with a lot of constant noise. In the last year we had three people from my crew that had to leave this place for a long time because of mental problems that they have developed here, one still hasn’t returned. Basically they’ve become unable to control their emotions that were running rampant in their mind. So that’s exactly what I am trying to accomplish with this extensive thinking here- I try to keep myself sane. I am constantly trying to balance myself within all the relationships that are here. I see here a very prominent point that is creating this whole experience – which is the fear of losing the job/income/money. Wow – when I look at this point now I find it hard to find a starting place for investigation as there are so many connections and points to consider. Either way I have to begin somewhere and thus here I go – I’ll start with my fear of losing the job and from here when I see how I can incorporate other point I will do so
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job/income and becoming unable to support myself financially where within that I fear that in this case I would have to go back to my family as it happened a couple of times before and where each time I was losing self-confidence that I can take care of myself and so within this fear I am trying to do everything perfectly and please everyone at work suppressing my self-expression completely
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with the past being present in me where I look at the outcomes in relation to what happened before thus limiting myself and being unable to see the variety of opportunities that are here
So here basically I have to investigate my ideas about self-inadequacy that I have created about myself and that were fueled by few experiences in my life where I had to return to my family and start all over again. I am holding on to my past that is influencing my current participation even tough who I am now is different to who I was in that time. In these days I was very much resisting the system where I was unwilling to commit myself to any job for any longer period of time and which led me to always sabotage my opportunities to develop financially stability. I also had dreams about making quick money without having to do any shitty jobs yet never walking the actual walk to manifest this. At that time I was still a believer in enlightenment and higher self. My main goal was to reach that place and there all my dreams will be fulfilled. So within that I fucked myself extensively.
Ok so back to my current self where now I am much closer to reality where I see much better how the system operates. I see that I must have a job if I want to survive. I see that there are rules by which I have to move myself to maintain my job even though they are restrictive and limiting. I can see that fighting or resisting the system is useless and will get me nowhere. So with these new realizations I am standing much more stable in my world and I can actually do whatever is necessary to have a job in one place or the other – thus I don’t really have to fear. I don’t have to fear about going back to my family as well because since then I created much more supportive relationship with them and i can rely on their support and assistance if I have to find a new job. So all in all the fear of losing the job which creates so many resistances/suppression/conflicts is not necessary.
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this fear that I have about losing the job is creating suppression within me which creates conflict and thus more fear and distrust in myself
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by removing the fear of losing the job I would be able to express myself more easily within communicating with people and thus prevent myself from suppressing myself
So within seeing this I make a commitment with myself to stop the rushing experience that I exist in and as because of the fear to lose my job, where first of all I slow myself down in this environment and I start noticing people around me and I take a moment to communicate with them for real where I speak self-directive words without trying to please them where I try and maintain a good relationship
When and as I see myself trying to please people because of my fear to lose the job – I stop myself – I realize that by doing that I am compromising and suppressing myself creating inevitable manifestation of conflict – from here I stand in self-confidence and speak directly to beings sticking to the basic practicality that is required within work environment
I stop my fear by trusting myself that I am able to support myself in this system
To be continued…
Artwork By Marcus Destonian Duffy