Day 4: Fear Of Responsibility

So, today another long day at work where I am becoming more aware of my participation within all the relationships. One pattern that I noticed today and immediately decided to tackle it and work on it was the moments when I would hear my name, especially from my superior. In these moments I experience strong energetic reaction of anxiety/fear. Now trying to see what is causing this reaction I still have no clue where to begin my investigation. It has definitely to do with my perception about myself, where i define myself as being a scatterbrain or in other words someone who always does something wrong, keeps making little mistakes, absent-mindedness perhaps is another good word to describe this self-definition that I have about myself. Yes I can see now that throughout my life I have created this “scatterbrain” personality as myself for one simple reason– to not have/get responsibility. I was always much more comfortable staying in the background without any significant role to play. I have seen this resistance in me to take responsibility and there were actually moments when I pushed myself to stick out and finally tell to people “look here, there is a guy who is ready to take on the job”, however this “scatterbrain” personality at some point would shows its ugly head and people would become scared to give me the responsibility out of fear that I will fail. And in the end I was always glad within myself to get rid of the pressure that I endured in trying to get something done. So I remained in the background and assisted the ones who took upon themselves the responsibility. But I was never actually quite within myself, I wasn’t really happy to stay outside, especially when during the process I would notice how simplistic the task that I avoided was. I would silently judge people around me observing every move they make and within that compare myself and trying to see how I would have done it if I was in their position. I would look for every little mistake they did, or I even imagined and projected how they fail at some point so that I could feel better about myself. So that I could tell to myself “I would have done better, I am better”.

Going a little back to the energetic experience upon hearing my name I can see now that it’s the same personality showing up which has a constant perception that something went wrong and I am responsible for that. It became so ingrained within me that I am unable to respond normally to people where I jump within myself every time I hear my name, with my eyes popping out as if asking “what, me again, what did I do wrong this time?” always expecting a failure.  And I can see that people catch my reaction and immediately try to calm me down saying that nothing happened, where they wanted just to make a comment or give me feedback on something that I did. And this reactivity of mine makes it difficult for people to communicate with me, where eventually some suppression develops and all the shit that comes with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility because I define myself as a scatterbrain that always makes mistakes and fucks up everything and therefore I am unable to be trusted with any important task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that have taken the responsibility for every little mistake that they make where within that I feel better about myself not realizing that the fact that they have taken responsibility is already indicating that they are more assertive and substantial human beings of this physical reality whereas I exist only in my mental reality projecting things that I want to do

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that it’s the same pattern that the majority of people of the world exist towards the elite where we judge the elite for how they are ruling the world yet in the meantime we are so afraid to take the responsibility in our own hands that we better chose to remain as slaves where we keep our little minds running as judgments/comparisons/jealousy instead of standing within, getting to know our reality and standing up to challenge the injustice that we see is done unto us by the elite and within that find solutions that would bring the justice we so much moan about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself unworthy to take responsibility for bigger problems of this world and abdicate my responsibility to those that are willing to take it and I do it regardless of the abuse that I see is being done out of self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within gossip about those who are in control while sitting comfortably on my ass unwilling to educate myself enough to stand as equal to those in control and within that participate in bringing knowledge that which I know is best for all into practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be heard by those who are in control and to make them realize what they are doing through their self-interested living not realizing that to be heard I must become visible in this reality through constant self-application using all possible means to do it which means that I must stand up from my ass, stop judgments/comparisons/jealousy and actually do something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of taking responsibility for everything that I do indicating that there exist still self-interest because if all my actions would reflect that which is best for all I would live fearlessly standing and being ready to face anything or anyone in my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double live as the outer and inner expression of myself where within myself I judge and condemn authority and outside I smile in their face and keep telling myself that I want to be heard by them about the injustices that they are doing. Here I realize the common sense that they are not some magicians that can read your mind but they are simple people like everyone else instead that they have taken the responsibility when I abdicated it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back in the background of all that is happening in this reality believing that someone else will take care of it and where that is exactly what’s happening – somebody else is “taking care” of it and I still have the audacity to judge them while sitting back and participating in my limited mind reality generating emotions through jealousy/anger/judgments where I keep myself trapped playing roles like “scatterbrain” to avoid taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not make a decision within myself to move myself out of this limited mind reality I will remain a slave to those that made the decision to actually physically participate in this reality and play out their desires, dreams completely missing the abuse, as the consequence of their actions, that they are creating

As a solution to my realizations I commit to myself to continue writing myself each day where I develop myself in understanding how this reality functions and within that strengthening my self-trust to stand up against the abuse that I see around me

When I am faced with specific tasks in my world and I go into the fear of not being able to do it – I stop myself in that moment and I remind myself that it’s time to stand up within myself, stop the recreation of the past and find ways and means to get things done

I commit to myself to start showing interest in this reality where I become a participant willing to stand out and take responsibility for things/projects/ tasks that must be done to bring this world into resolution where the excruciating abuse that we all allowed through abdicating self-responsibility ends

I commit myself to educate myself on all aspects of this reality to be able to respond to all situations that come up in my reality and thus becoming more effective in spreading the message of equality as the solution to our world that is slowly dying because of my ignorance that I existed in and as for too long

Also

When and as I see myself reacting to my name being spoken I stop, I breathe and I respond in the moment knowing within myself that I am ready to take responsibility for all my actions no matter what comes up and I also make sure that my response is coming from the starting point of doing that which is best for all

Artwork By Ann Van Den Broeck

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3 comments on “Day 4: Fear Of Responsibility

  1. karina says:

    How long did it take you to write this one?

  2. […] Day 4: Fear Of Responsibility(arvydasjourney.wordpress.com) Transmorgify:Share  Posted by Matthew at 9:08am  Tagged with: Australia, Down syndrome, family, Federal government of the United States, God, Government, Moral responsibility, personal responsibility, Poverty, Student, Supreme Court of the United States, United States, Welfare […]

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