Day 6: Chasing Myself

I have written about time in my previous blog of Day 2 where within that I corrected my perception about the lack of time where I no more allow myself to justify my non-participation because of lack of time where within that I looked into my days and found that there plenty of time gaps that I can utilize for self-support. That’s mostly related to the time when I am at work for two weeks a month, as during the other two I have all day for myself.

Ok, so now I noticed another pattern where I participate – I found myself constantly on the run, meaning that I am literally running most of the time while moving myself from point A to point B. It’s exactly like in the movie “In –time” where the poor people had a habit to move very fast in order to save the little time they had because if they run out of time they die. So that’s kind of my experience that I find myself in where I am constantly rushing and chasing time.

Cool, I save a few minutes like that but what I miss is more important. I miss life that is here in the moment– while being in this rushy mode I do not notice what’s happening around me because my main goal is point B. Then when I get to point B there is nothing because I don’t even how I got here and that’s what is important, to understand how I got here. Now I sit here, experiencing some emotion within myself, however because I missed so many moments getting here I cannot even look back and see how I got to this place, where did I create these energetic movement that I experience within myself? I missed the whole story.

Long time ago I heard this little story that depicts quite well the difference between being in the rush vs moving slowly.

There were two ox, one young and the other old, they were standing on the hill watching a herd of cows grazing in the field. The young one said to the old “let’s run quickly and maybe we’ll get one of the cows” but the old one was standing calmly and replied: “no, be patient, we will go down slowly and get them all”

Surely the old ones, that represent the wisdom and knowledge , fucked us up with their stories into a position where we are now as the totality of the world, where they have only considered getting the “cows” for themselves alone, through that imprinting the self-interest that most humans exist in and as currently. I am not gonna go further into the story where we can look at what do “cows” represent and how they feel about being manipulated into submission as the story implies. What I would like to look into, however, is the method that has been utilized to achieve the goals – it’s through slowing down and moving with patience. That is they key answer in seeing and understanding SELF which I have been missing in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in constant rush believing that if I move fast I can do more without realizing that by moving fast I miss everything what is happening around me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that by rushing I am making mistakes creating a distrust within myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that by existing in and as this pattern of rushing I am existing as an automatic robot that acts only according to self-programming because during the rushing experience I am not directing myself effectively

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that only by slowing myself where I am in alignment with my breath I am only able to act in awareness and consideration of my environment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this rushing experience is created within the believe that I have to catch up to something or someone, basically trying to catch myself – instead I realize that through slowing down I stop and I see that I am already here

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I chase for myself is also caused by the believe that who I am here is not good enough and thus I must achieve something to become able to see myself

 

When and as I see myself being in the experience of rush I slow down, I realign myself with the pace of my breath realizing that there is nowhere to run, nothing to chase after, I am already here

I realize that the only thing I can find by chasing is trouble because through my hastiness and unawareness I encounter different situations within which I act in automation as programmed robot where I am unable to see what I participate within and as a consequence I accumulate layers of energetic experiences as thoughts/feeling/emotions which take me further and further away from my breath

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this rushing pattern manifest in everything I do where I am obsessed with the quantity but not quality of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and run towards that projection completely missing myself here as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about myself and how I should be where I am missing the starting point of SELF

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that this point was exactly the cause why I never could commit myself for longer periods of effective self-application where I would simply run away from myself into future projection abdicating the real physical process that has to be walked to get where I want to get

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people participating in the process where within reading their blogs I participate in the polarity of better/worse, more/less effective and within that I elevate myself into mind future projections that do not reflect the actuality of who I am here as one who needs to sit down and walk slowly the process of self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that before now I have never given myself the opportunity to get to know the real/effective application of self-forgiveness and within that judge myself for wasting so much time in my ignorance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t need self-forgiveness because I am too good for it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk in humbleness and apply myself point by point, breath by breath as everyone else in this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, even within actually realizing that I haven’t gotten anywhere by not applying myself like everyone else, exist in hope that I will realize myself by some other means because I am different, better than the rest

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-forgiveness and define it as not really necessary even though I have proven to myself its effectiveness in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my ego to stand in the way not allowing me to walk in humbleness the process of self-forgiveness that’s been laid out for us unconditionally by those who walked the path and proved its effectiveness in releasing self from the limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if let go my limitations

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that writing self-forgiveness is a living process where I uncover my resistances, my limitations as beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments to be able to see who I am beyond that

 

I commit myself to walk in humbleness the process of self-forgiveness and eventually stop all my fears to become a being that is able to stand as trustworthy to always act in ways that is best for all life

When and as I see myself participating within justifications why self-forgiveness is not necessary I stop and realize that this is my ego speaking that exists in the fear of survival  and thus in this moment I apply self-forgiveness to release the fear within realization that my ego as separate entity is the reason why this existence is in the current state where everything is divided into separate pieces as many egos that all fight between each other for survival and so I refuse to continue my participation in this war and I give way for life to emerge of which I am also a part

Artwork byTalamon Joseph Berta

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