At my workplace there is a room where me and my colleagues spend quite a lot of time during the day. In this room we have a few calendars – one with nude girls and the other with non-nude but sexually dressed girls. My colleagues really insist on having these few attributes in the room where they have replaced the old simple calendar that we had before, which by the way was much more practical because at least you could see numbers on it while the new ones put all the emphasis on the picture. So, either way, I am facing myself there. For many years in my life I was quite a big pornography user where during this time I have accumulated within myself huge library of sexual pictures and images that were providing me with the energetic rush that made me feel “alive” and also served as a substitute for my failed relationships. Masturbation and pornography became my new partners in life and so we walked together for quite some time. I am sure if I were to enter my mind like a computer I would find many categories/libraries of pictures that I collected throughout these years.
Even though I believed this point is more or less resolved within me, I am sure now that I was just lying to myself as within all beLIEves. I have never really worked on this point within myself – and even now sitting here I am not sure how to approach this point and where to begin and where do I stand within it. My way of dealing with my desires was basically to suppress and pretend it’s not there. However now that I have this new calendar right above my head hanging all day I can literally face myself looking straight into the wall in front of me, a window of opportunity to finally get to know myself.
Today I have seen very interesting behavior that I acted out in very subtle moments – where when walking into the room my eyes for a split second looked into the picture and quickly turned away – as if there is fire that’s burning my eyes. Soooo – Quite an indication that I fear to look at myself perhaps sensing what is there to find.
Thus here I am willing myself to begin self-investigation – to open myself just like a computer and perform some cleaning on my hard disk, so that I would stop existing as a programmed robot and become a living being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of desire towards sexual pictures and images within the believe that I have transcended the point where common sense dictates that many years of participation and accumulation of sexual pictures and images cannot just go away magically and that this point needs my close and specific investigation to see where I stand within it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire where now I am unable to see where I stand within this point
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and think about the point as within the desire to make it more presentable instead of seeing directly in self-honesty and writing what is actually here as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to color the truth of myself and hide from self-honesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down my mind and resist writing the point in self-honesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking at what I have become by allowing myself to participate as a consumer of pornography
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pornography as bad and thus experience shame and guilt instead of looking at the point as it is and investigate all ins and outs how it exists and work towards a correction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in pornography after even after I knew about the harm and abuse that this industry is causing for so many beings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as soft pornography consumer where within that I justified myself as not doing any harm, not realizing that I was still participating and supporting the same industry that exploits human beings creating extreme suffering for many females and children that are forced into this industry to satisfy the desires of sexual addicts who go further and further in search for the promised satisfaction that is never able to be achieved
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the rush I get watching pornography where within that I justified my addiction by any means not realizing that I have become a slave who is driven by the promise of satisfaction that was never fulfilled but drove me deeper and deeper into separation from other people, especially females as I began to see them only as sexual objects without any ability to connect intimately
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my participation within pornography and accumulation of pictures and images is influencing my participation and interaction with females where within my mind I still look at them with the same eyes which categorize/classify/organize their physical appearance according to my likes and dislikes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon meeting a female as a first thing look at their picture presentation where I immediately label them according to my categorization system instead of just seeing the female as who she really is as a being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this behavior normal as a part of human nature not realizing that this human nature in itself is flawed and creates as a consequence all the atrocities that are existent in our world
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that human nature means being in complete separation from each other and where only humans are considered while other forms of life are not treated equally but are abused to sustain this human nature. Thus I refuse to further support human nature and all that’s involved in it where I stand for equality of all life
I commit myself to stop all participation in pornographic industry within the realization that it creates only extreme abuse by designing the material only for profit where they don’t give a shit about the real education of human beings within their sexual expression
I realize that humans have become so addicted to the energy fix that they will go to extremes to satisfy themselves where within that they create ever more abusive scenarios in their minds to create friction to produce energy – and here pornographic industry comes in and manifests these scenarios to make money from this human disaster
It is obvious that most of what pornography portrays is not even real where they Photoshop models and create movies with unreal scenarios where through that they program human mind with alternate reality that cannot be matched by the physical and thus within this separation from physical world people start to go crazy as they are unable to manifest their fantasies that they created through watching pornography
Here within these realizations I commit myself to expose the pornographic industry as an abuser and destroyer of humanity by showing to people with whom I come into contact where they are actually participating and what consequences they are creating for themselves and their fellow human being and all life
When and as I see myself desiring to experience energetic rush while looking at pornographic picture I stop and I breathe – I realize that if I allow myself to be overcome by this feeling of sexual energy I am further enslaving myself to be dependent on something outside of me to give me pleasure and that my dependency on this source means that I am just another slave and supporter of this abusive system that produces these pictures and images in the name of profit where they do enormous harm to humanity and all life as they take away the possibility for people to become intimate with real physical partners without projecting on them this picture that they saw on calendar
Artwork byAnna Brix Thomsen