Day 10: Trying To Cheat My Way Out

Today the feeling of being closed within myself is my director. Now when I am trying to see the point as the reason for this experience I find a lot of self-judgment where I perceive myself as not being effective, not applying myself specifically enough in my writings. I have been reading most of the blogs that people write and I fucked myself through comparison. While reading the blogs I am missing and wasting the immense support that they provide because all I do is I compare my own writings with each blog where I categorize them into better or worse, constantly trying to place myself where I stand. This definitely cannot continue like that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously compare my writings/forgiveness statements to those of other people who are walking the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for writings that I perceive are worse or equal to mine where that gives me a good feeling and hope that I am not yet lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even look for grammatical mistakes in people’s writings where even that provides me with a better feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I am not able to see clearly the points, the dimension of the points  that I am writing about, which makes my writings of less quality and thus I believe that I am a loser

Yes I can see here the association with the word loser, yet I am not sure if I have this strong intensity towards myself as the word loser has, other, perhaps more suitable word could be – not good enough. I can see that this believe was already prominent at school where I was always hanging with the group of kids that didn’t give much attention to idea of education. I was more interested in other things outside the school, where I almost never bothered about homework or other school activities and so because of that my time that I spent at school was rather unpleasant as I would mostly be unprepared and had to always find ways to cheat myself out of many uncomfortable situations. All that created much inferiority within myself because I was most of the time clueless what was discussed in the class where while other kids participated, talked with teachers in the class, I mostly just remained silent hoping that no one will ask me anything about the things discussed. Even at that time I can already see myself existing in comparison towards others where I would become jealous of the guys that were participating in what was going on with understanding. I remember them having conversations about subjects that I could not grasp. That of course made me angry and jealous.

Also I see interesting point is that one of the reasons I wanted to be able to participate as equal was because I could see that the clever guys were getting more attention from the girls that I fancied. Thus here I would compare myself to them and within that see what I could offer that they couldn’t. Here I created a personality that was like a “bad boy” where I noticed that the girls have this pull towards crazy/wild/uncaring part that they missed by being constantly disciplined within their lives. So I found my niche where I could express myself and get what I wanted without doing the hard work. I became a cheater at school where homework was no more a problem – I mean I wasn’t completely useless, I could still hold a pen and copy the homework on my paper, from a trusted source of course. So simply speaking I never developed myself into someone who could participate in the school activities as equal. Yet with my alternative method I was still able to get through the school with average grades and later enroll to university and graduate it, in the exact same manner – cheating and manipulating others to assist me – all I had to do is form intimate relationships with those who helped where I made sure that they are fulfilled in my presence where I provided whatever was necessary. And I can’t really say that I was selfish within that as I did care at some level about people and never requested much of them and I still did some work myself.

So the question here is – do I still exist as that personality that believes that I can cheat my way through the process by not doing the hard work?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat all the way through school where I have never bothered to learn anything and perceived all subjects as completely unnecessary and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not pushing myself to become a better student in the past because it would have been much easier for me now

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that past is gone and I have to deal with the present as who I have shaped myself to be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is no way to cheat myself out of this one and that I will have to actually sit down on my ass and do the work as all others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that everything is different now – as what I am doing now is not useless and irrelevant but it’s the real deal – it’s no more about conforming to the system but it’s about realizing that I am a part/member of this system thus I am the system and thus I am the cause of the consequences that this system creates and within that it’s my responsibility to educate myself effectively and find ways how can I support this human journey out of misery  into a better place for all beings and thus for myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I really have to stand up against my self-programmed design of myself as a cheater and free rider within this system within realization that I am still in/as this system participating with all equally in creating the mess – some do it through active participation and some, like me, through inactive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I personally don’t do any harm that means I am not responsible for the harm that this system creates while I still live/participate in this system using that which it provides for me – like different gadgets/foods/car parts/ etc. that are made and produced in third world countries through extensive abuse and neglect of resources and people’s labor.

So it’s really essential for me to realize that I am responsible for what is happening in this world and that I have to stop all the patterns of self-sabotage – like comparison, jealousy, self-judgments, desires and others that only serve as means to keep me stuck and thus ensures the world to remain as it is

Thus I commit myself to stop the self-sabotage that I create in the form of comparison while reading people’s blogs where I create inferiority towards them at the same time seeking for way to uplift myself thus existing in this constant friction of the mind where I create energy for my own enslavement

I commit myself to continue self-investigation and self-revelation to understand where my behavior patterns come from to thus enable myself to go back to the point of creation and dismantle the construct with full awareness of all dimensions of it

I commit myself to stop comparison of myself to other beings by realizing that process is not a competition where I have to win and prove something to others within the believe that this will ensure my survival in the system. This process for me is about becoming aware of how I exist as this limited personality constantly trying to survive even though my life and lives of other beings is complete hell where we alI exist within the same thought patterns that keep repeating over and over and over again and where there is no future in sight of having a normal life that ensures dignity and support for all beings in existence and within that awareness I stop all patterns that do not support life and create new ways of interaction that honor life one and equal

Artwork By Anna Brix Thomsen

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s