Day 14: My Relationship was a Factory of Energy Production

A few nights ago I had a dream of which the details I cannot recall, yet the only point that is certain is that the main character participating together with me within some kind of adventures in the dream was my ex-girlfriend. Even though my relationship ended almost around 8 or 9 years ago there are still occasional thoughts and memories coming up about her. That was my first and only serious long term relationship that I ever had. Since this relationship ended I never committed myself to go on the same “journey” again, as I didn’t like the emotional turmoil that such relationship involves. Either way this relationship is like my main platform from which arises the patterns of my sexual expression as well as all the patterns of communication and interactions within other intimate relationship that I formed throughout my life as well as my current agreement. So I see that it is crucial for me to disconnect the ties derived from the past where according to them I have defined myself and I still live that definition very much in my current agreement when I move and act in moments of unawareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the past alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the past within the believe that it was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all the memories I have from the past are only positive memories within that I fool myself into believing that what I had was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my past relationship was based only on self-interest where I never really cared for another being but simply was concerned what I can get from the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the relationship just because of how my girlfriend looked while I had resistance to everything else she represented

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value only on picture presentation of another being where I allowed myself to be brainwashed by media where I programmed myself with the believes and ideas of what beautiful is and what should be strived for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a winner when I got a girl that is considered beautiful by society and where I felt proud of myself for being the one that she chose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself on the other hand to be ashamed of my girlfriend because she was not fitting the standards of intelligence that my mother has set

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my mother for telling me that my relationship was only short term and that it  won’t  last long even though I could see myself  that my relationship is only based on sex and energy which I knew can last only for so long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost within myself when after the energy ran out within the relationship I was left only with a being that was dependent on me and who having now served the purpose of making me happy was no longer necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize the nature of relationships and the consequences that manifested if I allow myself to be driven by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the energy ran out within my relationship still keep the relationship going because of my inability to take responsibility and speak the truth instead I continued to drag the relationship where within that I attempted to create energy by manipulating my girlfriend where I would threaten to leave her thus making her cry which made me feel good as there was a supply of energy for the vampire that was me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I was abusing a being to satisfy my addiction to energy and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking responsibility where I didn’t know how to stop the relationship to which I was also in a way addicted as I have defined myself through the experiences that we had together

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the mechanics of consequences for participating in energy of the mind as seen clearly in my relationship where the initial excitement was fueling my mind consciences personality with new energy supply that I used to run my systems where the main ingredient within that is Pictures as moments turning to memories and in time I created the database which has defined who I am in relation to these pictures – suddenly when the energy runs out within the relationship I am fucked as the castle that I build can no longer be sustained because there is simply no more energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of relationships after my first relationship where I decided to not have any more long-term relationships again because I did not want to experience the fall out of Love again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the real truth of me within the context of relationship was revealed after the energy ran out and I was standing there without energy trying to make decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that in reality I was uncaring and ignorant energy addict who did not give a fuck about another being within a relationship if that another did not provide me with energy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being in love within a relationship is the same as having a well-functioning factory of energy production where the energy is used to fuel the idea of myself as who I want to be where who I want to be is completely based on my systematic programming from school, peers, family, media that is all in complete separation and ignorance of the actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ability to create this well-functioning factory of energy production is completely based on my position within the system as the money that is available and other circumstances and where I never considered that most people in this world have no access to these resources and thus are unable to experience “love”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by me forming this energy factory I am fueling not only my own personal mind system but also the total system where i ensure its continuation though energy supply not realizing that this systems is faulty in itself and is providing for only a few select beings while the rest suffer

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s possible to have a relationship that is not based in energy but in real practical support and consideration of each other where through that I no longer support the system that is unequal in providing for all

Thus within that I commit myself to no longer participate and create relationships based on my happiness defined by the amount of energy I get to fuel who I think I am as well as this whole system but I commit to from now to remain stable, here, not requiring energy to move myself and where I consider the totality of this system and how it functions

I commit to stop using energy to fuel my mind bubble within realization that this mind bubble is only a constituent of the system that is abusive and unequal in nature thus I stop supporting it through stopping my participation in my thought/feelings/emotions and I work as a real practical being within realization that this system has to be changed and transformed into a system that supports all beings on earth equally by providing the resources of the earth for all as earth is giving these resources unconditionally for all so that all could enjoy our experience here

I commit to work on self-education on how to create relationship not based on energy and within that become an example for all lovers out there to show that fulfillment and real happiness is possible simply by caring about another without using them as energy extraction wells

I commit to stop the recreation of my past within my current relationships where I stop participation in my memories as if they are something to be valued within realization that I am only viewing the positive side of my past and do not consider the consequences that such actions bring

I commit myself to work on each memory that comes up within me where I identify the nature of the memory and within that I unleash myself from the memory so that I would be able to live here as a new being creating a new world with a new foundation within realization that all of the old has to go as it was never here to support all life

For Assistance on all questions about relationships visit : DESTENI FORUM

For an amazing course that makes one able to understand your past so that you can change your future in relationships visit: AGREEMENT COURSE

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