Day 15: Inflicting Pain in Relationships

Here I am continuing on my relationship patterns to reveal and expose who I was in the past and what I still carry with me into the present so that I could see clearly my mistakes and make sure it’s never ever repeated again.

Another view I want to look at is who I was through my history of relationships since my first long term relationship was over and I got my “freedom” I so desired. As it is usual I went, as everyone else does, through the break up depression which was gradual as me and my partner agreed to have casual sex sessions to make the break up less painful. So that was cool and it really worked where slowly but surely we both went our separate ways. It is amazing when I look now how much pain is experienced during relationship break ups – where there is usually one side that makes the decision as they are more or less over with the relationship, so for them it’s rather easy to make that decision, however the problem is that they do not consider another being at all and what is his/her position and state of mind in that moment. I mean the question that one who is “in control” in that moment can ask is: I am I really that desperate to run for my new energy fix or should I stay and make sure I take responsibility for the consequences that we both created by allowing ourselves to fall in LOVE?

So looking at myself and what I did from that moment is that I never again went into long-term relationships so that I wouldn’t create the attachment that leads to painful break downs. Instead I became hard and senseless being who didn’t allow feelings or ability to care for another but just have instant gratification within sex and be done with that. All my other partners I had since then where short term where I would I have sex once or twice and with first signs of any attachment formation I would flee as far as possible. What I did not realize then or maybe I did in a way is that even then I was causing a lot of pain by making a statement basically that I just used you for a while and now fuck off. I mean I never communicated clearly with another about my true intentions thus letting the believe form that my intentions are good, as I knew within myself that the truth would get me nowhere. I didn’t have many such encounters, I can count them on one hand, but still I suppose that I have seen what I am doing because I remember how during one of my such endeavors I to break up with a girl before having sex with her. She was at complete loss to understand what has happened but I am sure it was better that way. Of course I wasn’t completely honest and didn’t explain my reasons for the break up. However i later found that this has caused some pain to the girl as well. So  whether this was the cause or something else I simply stopped seeking any relationships, I mean I still desired and kind of tried to get sex, but wasn’t really going for it and eventually I just went into pornography and masturbation, unwilling to have anything to do with this hard work called relationships. Little did I know then that this activity is as harmful as any other – I am grateful that Desteni opened my eyes and I was able to see what I was actually doing. From here long and arduous process followed to stop that addiction as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only my dick when entering a relationship where I never considered principles such as trust, or commitment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the innocence of other beings to lure them into a trap that I have set to satisfy my desires not considering the pain that I will cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my true intentions of simply using another to satisfy my desires where I never gave a second thought about what that could mean for another being in their current life or in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with picture presentation of girls whom I used for my self-satisfaction that I became completely blind to who they are as living beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a coward who never faced the consequences of my actions where each time after I broke the relationship I would simply disappear without any explanation of where I stand leaving another being in the dark

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions because apparently I never told any girls about wanting a long-term relationship yet not considering that I never told the truth of my actual intensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions by believing that I live in the moment where I don’t make any plans for the future thus getting the permission by myself to use and abuse another with the consequence of inflicting pain and probably hatred towards males that possibly could cause distorted future relationships and maybe even the whole life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever stop and considered how my each word and deed is affecting other lives

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question the accepted ways of how people from whom I learned as examples enter and break the relationships

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use my own common sense in seeing how I was participating within relationship and within that finding ways how to correct the damage I have causes and prevent it from happening again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue my participation within this abusive pattern within the desire to score higher numbers of partners that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good and be proud of myself whenever I would use and abuse another girl where I would boast about it to my friends and show them how I don’t give a fuck about the girl anymore

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my participation within that was very much fueled by my desire to be a winner, just to prove to myself that I am able to do it where sex was my reward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my evil life of relationships by comparing myself to “more evil” ones and hold the believe that I was the good guy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is possible to actually care for another being and create a supportive relationship with clear communication, respect for self and another

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is possible to create a relationship as a space where real beings can come together to express themselves in full trust of each other, without any fear of being vulnerable and open towards each other and where true intimacy can be born

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is not necessary to fight or try to win within a relationship but that it’s actually possible to walk as equals supporting each other to learn, expand and grow as real human beings where we get to know our existence and our place within it where me make sure that what we both are having/creating is something that will benefit the future for those who will come to this earth after we leave

 

 

I commit myself to stop all judgment to myself based on my past and thus I release my past unconditionally within the commitment that I will investigate and live new ways of relationship formation where I make sure that my relationship that I create stands within this world as an example of how to support each other through effective communication where all card are always laid on the table so that all would be transparent without any secrets that could ruin the trust and ability to be intimate with each other

I commit myself to form my relationship in a way that is aligned with the principles of life where our participation within the relationship reflects the honoring and respect of all life on earth

I commit myself to make my agreement stand in the service of life where no self-interest exists but interest and consideration for all life on earth and this existence and where I am able to pass the principles of this agreement confidently to those who will follow me after I am gone trusting that if I come back to this earth i will be supported unconditionally by those who follow the same principles

 

Extremely supportive articles on relationship formation: Failed Relationships; Do you Love Breakups?

For more support on personal questions visit Desteni Forum

For stuctured support with personal Buddies that will guide you into becoming the best you can be within your relationship with yourself and another sign for the Agreement Course

 

Some Supportive Interviews that You just can’t Miss

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s