Day 17: I Preferred Younger Girls

 

I was very much attracted within my search for relationships in this world towards innocence. That’s why in my last stage of more intimate relationship formation period (up to age of 22) I used to form my relationships with younger girls. This tendency as I see developed because I have lost my own innocence when I started participating in the system, where especially I was introduced to alcohol and drugs, where through the use of these substances I was suppressing myself more and more and where eventually I lost almost completely my natural ability to enjoy myself and freely express. For that reason I tried to compensate that lost part of me within forming relationships with younger girls where I would merely observe and enjoy their expression. I simply liked spending time with them where I could relax from the harshness that I experienced participating in my reality, especially when I started my business where I had to compete and constantly fight to earn money. So these relationship were like a fresh breath for me where I didn’t have to perform or act or be something – I would simply be there and watch the innocence at play. I was around 21 I guess and the girl I had a relationship with was 15. My friends were laughing at me but in a way they could see the point. I guess that’s where pedophilia comes from and it is possible perhaps that if I continued on this path of self-destruction I would have ended as one. I never had sex with any of the younger girls, even though I wanted, I felt unable to approach them in a proper way, I felt like an old ugly guy in face of their expression and basically kept all my imaginations in my mind. None of my relationship lasted long because I couldn’t bear any form of attachment and would flee immediately when seeing the signs, that’s because I knew within myself that it’s the end of innocence. So then, at the age of around 21 or 22 I eventually isolated myself from any intimate relationship formation and remained in this state for a very long time. That’s where spirituality fitted in so nicely but that’s for another topic.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from innocence by allowing myself to be influenced and consumed by the adult world of fakes personalities, lies, deceptions and strife for survival and the idea of success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for innocence outside of myself where I kept forming relationships with younger girls believing it’s the only way to stay in touch with playfulness and free expression perceiving myself to be too small and insignificant to stand within the system and be who I wanted to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where innocence of a child is taken away to be replaced by systems that suppress the whole beingness and where laughter is replaced my constant sadness and worry which is often hidden behind the fake smile as it is another requirement placed by the system to keep everyone fooled that all is ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fooled by pictures which I believed are the true reflections of this reality where all the while the truth was inside me and all I had to see and realize is that we are all basically the same within our suffering, what’s different is only the coping mechanisms and believes that we use to fool ourselves into forgetfulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take responsibility for what I was seeing and experiencing within my reality but totally and completely suppressed myself and accepted the reality as it as something that is unchangeable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as this small particle of the system playing my role as everyone else and coping with what is here as best as I can where I would form my little relationships to get some “innocence fix” where I did nothing to preserve that innocence but simply observed how it is turning into the usual systematic manifestation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit to this very day without having made a clear and eternal decision to give all of me in totality to stand and do whatever I can to change the current system of abuse and greed into what’s best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in my thoughts feelings and emotions when I have seen that it’s harming me and everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moments of bad mood where I create my doom by not taking full responsibility for every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not ready to stop myself as the systematic robot which is equal to the believe that I am not ready to be who I really am thus I remain within my limitation as the mind consciousness system spinning in cycles over and over just to prove to myself again and again that I have to stand and make the final decision to never again falter in my application

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my believe in limitation is exactly what keeps me from seeing the way to free myself from that limitation

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realize that I am here and I am the only one who makes decisions who I will be in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that is not only about writing who I am and who I want to be and how I want to achieve my goals but it’s about actually living, applying and changing myself in this physical reality

 

Thus I commit myself to become aware in every way of my participation in my everyday reality to be able to apply and integrate my corrections that I have scripted for myself through writing

I commit myself to live in every breath my decision to do only what’s best for all life until this decision becomes who I am

I no longer allow myself a moment of weakness or faltering where I become equal to this system that exist here which also never rests or falters where it works tirelessly to continue its survival mechanisms running where as a consequence life as the source of energy suffers in ever more greater quantities

I commit myself to become as effective and as specific as this system is so that I could stand equal to this system and make corrections as it

Every time I will experience any desire to go astray- I stop I breathe – I remind myself about the atrocities that are here and that my bad mood is bringing doom to many beings in this existence on a stable basis where every 5 seconds a child dies because exactly of the system in which I want “rest” and wait for my mood to change

Artwork by Ann Van Den Broeck

 

If you haven’t yet decided where You stand within this Life – educate yourself to see the real choices that exist: Visit Desteni Forum

 

These Interviews will assist you greatly as they take you on a journey in the shoes of another:

 

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