Losing my focus by distracting myself with the creation of alternate realities in my mind – as a REWARD for what I was doing moments ago where I perceived that I did well and thus deserve now a moment for myself. That’s how I have been taught to behave since childhood where my parents would reward me (with sweets usually, later with money) each time for any good performance – like cleaning my room, or doing homework. This pattern is so deeply ingrained that I took it for granted as a natural part of existence and now that there are no parents around, I still do it where I reward myself with good feelings.
Within this pattern all that I am doing is creating time loops for myself again and again, because by giving myself this feel good experience I create an immediate attachment to it where I don’t want to let it go and by all means try to hold on to it for just a little bit longer. Surely within existing in this state of mind I miss the reality as I am so preoccupied with myself and my feeling good experiences. I create an alternate reality free of pain and conflict. At least it used to be like that in the past, but now I start experiencing the consequences of what I am accepting and allowing rather immediately. I start observing myself while participating in my reality where I become much more reactive and distant from what is here while floating in my alternate reality bubble. So from that perspective it’s very beneficial to see what I am doing and within that stop myself from fucking around. Before I used to make a mistake and look at this whole point from a morality view point where I perceived the desire to experience good feelings as something bad and forbidden where within that I would suppress my desires and later slowly but surely accumulate them and eventually go into an explosion. However now I find that it’s simply a matter of consequence – I mean if you want to keep fucking yourself please be my guest just realize that you are staying with your current limitations and that this little mind of yours will drive you crazy by seeking and trying to fulfill impossible dreams and illusions. So it’s up to me to decide what I actually want to do with my life – do I remain in my alternate reality illusion being dependent on rewards as energy fixes with all its highs and lows or do I choose to be here, a stable human being that moves not by energy but by principle where within that I expand myself, I break the limitations of who I believe I am. I mean who am so limited, when in some moments I would see my actual limitation I wanted to cry and I couldn’t really bear seeing that for long as it is really a disgraceful position to be in when the whole existence is waiting to be discovered. Still somehow I manage to fall into the traps of feelings where I believe that this is “life”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a reward as a good feeling at the “end of the day” for all the “good” things I did during the day not realizing that within this I am only harming myself by creating attachment and dependency to this feeling and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that by participating in good feelings I create for myself the consequence of the low, the negative where eventually I have to go down from the god feeling experience and face my actual physical reality which I have ignored since being on the high of the mind alternate reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define desire for a good feelings as bad from a morality standpoint where within that each time participating in this desire I create within myself the experiences of shame and guilt thus making the problem bigger and within that being unable see clearly the relationship between actions and consequence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in any way that this feel good experience can last or be sustained because it is dependent on the opposite polarity of negativity where I inevitably have to fall as soon as the energy runs out thus proving again and again the instability of such experiences as well as the damaging consequences that it has on my ability to see what is really here as my physical reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a mind consciousness system that works only by motivation through rewards where my only point of consideration was only MY experience and where within that I disregarded everything else never considering whether my action have any direct or indirect consequence to the totality of this planet
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that through accepting this pattern of moving only through having rewards I accepted self-interest within separation of others where I never moved a finger to really assist another if I did not see that there is opportunity to get something in return
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed with thoughts “what’s in it for me” that I dismissed the whole reality around me because it could not offer me any rewards as good feelings or money
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that I can live and move in this reality based on principled living as common sense realization that we are all here on this planet together sharing what this earth provides unconditionally and thus we are supposed to give to each other also unconditionally same as this earth does instead I allowed my ideas believes and perceptions to take over my common sense and dictate how I am supposed to live in this reality where I have to watch constantly for my own self-interest and try to survive within a believe that there is not enough for all
I commit myself to change my starting point of all my actions where I move according to the principle of what’s best for all within realization that when all are taken care of I will enter a new reality of trust and true companionship and that will be my ultimate reward
I commit myself to prove to myself and to others that it is possible to move self and act without requiring an immediate reward as feelings and/or money but that common sense in seeing what is here and what has to be done is enough
I commit myself to expose the destructiveness of this reward based system where each is looking only for self-interest ignoring the rest by showing what consequences are created by each one directly or indirectly participating in this system
Artwork ByDeedra Chavez