I keep running away from myself by distracting myself with trivial things. That is especially true when I sit down to write or study. I trained myself to be very efficient in avoiding the confrontation with myself by finding numerous activities on the internet or in my house that have no relevance – no relevance in how I do it. Although it might look, and I manage to convince myself, that these activities benefit me but in fact it’s just plain avoidance. Whatever I do in these moments I do it superficially – if I read a blog I don’t really read it but just scan it with my eyes without actually seeing the words and their meaning. Facebook is another biggy where I allow myself to hide from real self-investigation. So all in all I fight with myself like that where I get tired and see no more way out but to actually sit and write something, but oh it’s already lunch time so have to go and eat, then I feel guilty as it looks like another escape mechanism where sometimes I ignore it – thus compromising my body nutrition, which in itself creates more problems. So there are many escape mechanisms that I developed throughout the years to just postpone the real work that I know I have to do. I do manage periods of good attention and specific investigation but that doesn’t last long and I am back again to square one.
I am looking for that final decision within myself where once and for all I would answer myself the question – Who am I? Hearing this question I get a reaction as I know it’s the end of me – me as Life if I continue fucking around or the end me as the mind consciousness system to which I so dearly hold unwilling to let go indefinitely. Years have gone by and I am still at the starting point of my process – I am still very grateful to this gift of writing that I am giving to myself daily as it puts me on the spot and brings ever more closer to that final decision – as I can see clearly within writing myself and what I am allowing. Within writing is the reflection of me as the words I place and try to live – I can’t fool myself much longer.
So within this blog I want to make clear for myself that I in fact have the capacity to decide Who I Am and stand within my decision. I choose to become LIFE. There is no other way or option because I have already seen the Illusion that the mind is trying to sell. It’s definitely not worth it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within distractions that I as the mind put on my path to prolong the inevitability of facing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process of facing self is so difficult that I don’t really have the capacity to remain constant and consistent within it and thus I experience huge resistance to start applying myself effectively where I continue participating in my distractions and preoccupations that make me forget for a while who I am and what I have become instead of realizing that who I am at the moment is in no way fun or acceptable as I exist in a very limited bubble with the same thoughts running over and over again and thus to face self and change self is the best and the only thing I can do
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-writing and effective self-instigation is not a natural part of me and thus I will experience initial resistance up to the point where I automate myself to act without hesitation exactly as I act with my distractions that I have learned and made an automatic behavior – so it’s just a matter of installing a new program into myself which I realize takes some time as it took time to install the old program – I do this within realization that the old program is not supporting life and thus it’s not supporting me as life, it only supports self-interest and greed as it is clearly reflected in this world that we all live in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any attention to my thoughts when I sit down with myself to write and investigate myself when I have already proven to myself countless times that these thoughts lead me nowhere but simply create more layers of different thought patterns that I will have to face eventually – thus each day of my indecision means harder process ahead – and thus it is clear that the best time is right now
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of blankness when I start to write myself where I have noticed that these moments indicate that I am already searching for a way out
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that there is no other way out but to sit down each day and write myself out – where I write self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and where I live the new way that I script for myself through writing – where I become the directive principle of my life shaping and carving my life in consideration to everything that is here as life – thus I create a new me that stand as one voice for a better world and where I join the others as me so that we can together as equals create a new world where everyone is considered and where we can really have fun
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make that final decision of who I want to be where within that I continued to walk undefined and thus having a backdoor through which I kept slipping into momentary ignorance and forgetfulness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in the middle road undecided if I really want to stop my mind even though from what I have already seen of the mind I definitely don’t want to stay and continue down that path.
So what’s holding me to leave the middle road and make the final commitment to start the journey to life in total dedication? Perhaps the most prominent is doubt that I can actually do it as I have been throughout my life mostly a failure. Still that is not an excuse but just another construct I have to walk through and delete from my system as it is not real as is any other excuse. So there is nothing that is holding me from making this decision. I stand for Life.
I commit myself to no longer allow distraction to compromise me in walking and facing myself each and every day within writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application
I commit myself to find most effective and practical ways to bring the change to myself and my reality where I do not inflict fear or unnecessary pain which means I move in gently, effectively, slowly and specifically considering everything and everyone
I commit myself for constant and continues self-perfection within writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application where I observe myself within my everyday reality to see if what I do is in any way effective – if not I sit down again and again to bring myself to the point of clarity and thus change
I commit myself to running from myself in realization that there is nowhere to run, that I have done that many times before just to come back to the same point – I commit myself to stop the cycles that serve no real purpose but to convince me what I already know – that I have to really stop the bullshit