Day 27: Testing Day 26

Continuing on the pattern of facing conflict. So as I opened the point yesterday and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I was already more or less aware how I participate within this construct and what are the main components that constitute this pattern. Today I had an opportunity to test myself and see how I will handle my usual conflict situation. So having done this little self-investigation I basically knew where to place red flags when walking through it. I could see today that I was cycling over and over through the same pattern of behavior when having a conflict. It would always start with something little where I would do something to cause a reaction within another – then, taking the reaction personally, no matter how hard I would convince myself that it is not personal and that I should just move on, I would shut down within myself and slowly sink into my thoughts rethinking over and over that one point where the conflict bursted. In the end I would become resistant to communicate to people and through that I would cause more suppression and basically perpetuate the problem into something big within myself where I would even manifest that by acting with confusion and unawareness thus making more mistakes and thus causing more reactions as layers on the first one that I haven’t dealt with. That would last for some time until the energy runs out and I am again able to communicate normally.

So today after I caused the reaction and the cycle was about to spin out of control I walked away alone for a minute from all the people involved and I applied self-forgiveness aloud. Even though I haven’t scripted this behavior within my corrective statements I found that it’s the thing to do and actually very supportive. When I started speaking to myself I began to see the points of how I was acting, what I was doing, my expectations, blame, anger, self-judgments. Within that I could feel how I was unburdening myself from this weight of thoughts and emotions that I was so immersed within. So in this way I managed to return from the dead so to speak. And immediately after I was done I returned to my usual work environment and faced the people in it. I remember when I just opened the door and walked in – one of the guys said: “oh you’re alive”. I laughed and after a moment realized that yes he is right I made a decision to not go through with my self-programmed behavior pattern and better direct myself out of it – so yes being self-directive means to be alive as opposed to existing in an automated state of mind.

The whole chain of events that went from there was not easy because I felt really disorientated as I could see how the consequence of that initial moment was still paying out and it seemed that all the events happening were placed to break me into the old pattern – so I really had to be aware and focused in each moment and stand within myself in each moment making the decision to not give up. So it was really amazing at the end of the day to see that I didn’t break and didn’t give in into my usual way of “living”. Of course I realize that this one instant doesn’t mean yet that it’s done and I am over with dealing with this pattern that I relived so many times in my life. Perhaps it will take as many times to go through it within self-directive manner as it took to program myself in the destructive way. At least I was able to prove to myself that I am able to push myself and get it done.

One thing I still I noticed  that I didn’t enjoy was that within pushing myself to communicate with people I would often compromise myself by saying stupid things that I knew they expected from me. Here I mean the usual responses of how people communicate. So it’s like I directed myself out of the usual pattern of behavior but I didn’t direct it in a way that is best for all. Although when I look at it from another angle – I equalized myself with the environment which is the first step where the second is to then find ways how to direct it. So I am basically just within the first step where I stabilize myself in stopping my emotional cycles. From there, without being energy possessed I will be much more able to see my environment as it really is where then I can start looking into new directions of how to become the best I can be in relation to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment and that I will not be able to stand stable indefinitely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea that constant awareness of self is very difficult and tiring where within that I want to give into my mind and relax within it giving it all the power to act for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a fuckup that will cause me to go back into my old pattern of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is stronger than my ability to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as it bring with it a lot self-responsibility that I believe I am not ready to handle

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my old life sucks and thus I to really push myself to change and expand myself no matter how difficult it gets

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that if I resist change I will simply spin endlessly in the same cycles of behavior getting nowhere and that who I am now is just a mind consciousness system robot fully supporting the system through existing in thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus supporting all that this system stands for as greed, abuse, violence, etc. thus I realize that I am responsible not only for myself but for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have a choice whether to change or not which is like choosing between life and death – surely I want to life, because I can see that me as well as all humans have the potential for so much more than we currently exist as this limited and greedy existence

I commit myself to keep standing within myself where I do not allow my mind to direct me and scare me from change that I know I am capable of

I commit myself to stop all my emotional and feeling cycles where I become a stable being that can see and act in ways that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all fear when facing my new self that I write daily into existence

I commit to change and through that change show others that change is possible and through that change we can actually become much more than we currently believe we are

I commit to never stop writing, investigating and correcting myself until I am satisfied with who I am and what this world is – where all live equally happy lives

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