Day 31: The Life of Masturbation

Today I was reading about sex and masturbation and how that has infiltrated every aspect of our existence, where no matter what we do it is all stemming from the desire to have this energetic satisfaction whether through sex or masturbation. Then I looked at my own life and saw how I was/am caught in this ultimate search.

In my life I started my sexual exploration with masturbation and then went on to form a relationship. The sex was great, until it lasted, until there was this energetic build up between me and my girlfriend. Later though the energy started to dissipate and the whole relationship became boring, repetitive and sex wasn’t so great anymore. I don’t remember if I used to masturbate during my relationship but what I know for sure is that I really fucked myself with that after the relationship broke. I noticed that masturbation was giving me better satisfaction and there was no hard work involved as it is within a relationship, within a relationship you have to consider another being and within masturbation I was alone and free from all the responsibilities. So within that realization I gradually stopped my relationship formations and completely isolated myself into the fantastic world of masturbation. I was glad that internet was getting faster and faster and allowed me to download pictures at much greater speed. I mean I was evolving together with the evolution of internet. It never allowed me to get bored as it always had new things emerging and that kept my interest alive. And I never had to stick with one girl as there was such a variety of them that I could choose from.

Years went by like that, but still within me I could see that masturbation didn’t really satisfy me completely – there was always the feeling of “not enough”. I was getting further and further away in the world of masturbation, where eventually pictures on the internet were not satisfying me anymore and I started to fantasize about girls I knew in my world and I masturbated on them. I also used my memories of past relationships where I went through the sexual experiences remembering all the details and in that way building up my energy to masturbate. Still all that wasn’t so cool as it lasted only for that moment and after that I would feel like shit, because I mean I was alone in my world, I couldn’t have proper interactions with girls as my mind was so full of pictures, desires, fantasies, all I could see was sex. I didn’t know how to approach a girl, how to communicate, how to act. It was really bad and I would sabotage all my attempts almost immediately which of course led me to more suppression and further masturbation as the only way to satisfy this growing urge. And this also influenced all my other relationships that I had in my world as I was so isolated in my inner reality of sexual images, fantasies and desires. I mean that was almost my whole reality, I wasn’t doing anything else much. I was interested in spirituality which was actually supporting this type of life. But that is another topic. So it lasted like that for years until I could see in common sense that this was going nowhere and by any means I have to stop this. I didn’t want to end my life like that.

So from here my battle began. One very cool point was that I had a friend to whom I could openly communicate on these matters as he also was battling with the same thing, and so we searched for solution together. My biggest disgrace was when my friend found me masturbating in his house watching the pictures of his sister. My friend was really cool in this and showed no reaction as he could understand the desperation, but I think in that moment we both realized that this is not a way to go and has to stop right here. The consequences of participating in masturbation were obvious, where the whole reality shrinks to only this point of seeking satisfaction that can never be attained but grows bigger and bigger destroying all the potential of becoming somebody in this world.

When I look back now at all these years that I wasted I can’t help but experience regret that I haven’t seen earlier the destructiveness that this behavior brings. I mean there was no information that I could find about the destructive nature of masturbation and what is more important to find the means how to end this addiction. And it’s not until I found Desteni where they went into detail of how one actually is harming self and others through masturbation. They provided the tools of how to begin the process of self-healing and how to direct this process in the most effective way. Even then it was hard and a long journey to stop that initial behavior – where now I still have to deal with the consequences that this long lasting behavior has done to me as a being. I mean I have formed and shaped through many years who I am and now I am still living in some way these consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in my alternative reality of masturbation where I have wasted many years that I could have used for self-perfection in developing skills or attributes of myself that would have brought real satisfaction in my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that though masturbation I have isolated myself from all beings in my existence where I lived in secret and fear that others might find out who I am behind the picture that I present to everyone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that masturbation has no influence to my reality, that this is my own business and I have full right to do it where I didn’t realize and see the invisible effects that participation in masturbation was actually creating

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it was masturbation that influenced my inability to form normal relationships with girls in my world and that it was effecting all my other relationship as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend masturbation by all means never allowing any consideration about how it affects my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret once I found what I have done to myself and my world through masturbation instead of standing up within myself and correcting myself as who I have become as the product of many years of masturbation where within that I stop all the consequences that it has manifested within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to study everything about how masturbation exists in this reality and make sure that I place that knowledge and share it through my own experience as wide as possible so that those who have this problem could find the information and see what they are doing and where they are going – and do it with the realization that I would also wanted to have found this information when I was completely lost in masturbation but could not find any real information on all the ins and outs of how it functions and the extent of harm it does/will do to one’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences of masturbation after one has stopped participating in it where within that I have allowed myself to stop all investigation without realizing that it is still ingrained within my subconscious and unconscious mind from where who I am here as my conscious personality emerges, but because I have suppressed it I am not able to see it, yet my actions and decision are still very much based on what I have done throughout my life and who I have become within what I have done

Thus I commit myself to devote my time for thorough investigation into the whole masturbation design where I educate myself on every detail of its working  to thus be able to forevermore clear myself and support others in clearing themselves from this addictive and destructive behavior

I commit myself to see and understand all aspect of how masturbation effects the lives of people and how to transform masturbation into something that is not harmful to self and others

I commit myself to write and share the process of walking out from the infected dirty mind into the purity of life where I prove that it is possible to let go of this addiction for energetic experiences and that by letting go one can find real enjoyment and satisfaction just by being here with other beings where one is able to form intimate and fulfilling relationships

Here are few very supportive interviews:

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