Recently I was asked “What are you doing with your life?” So I have been sitting for a while having some difficulty to respond, not knowing how to approach that question. And I mean so far the only answer I was able to find for this kind of hesitation is simply to starting to write. Easy.
So what I am doing with my life? First of all I don’t know what life is because I have seen in the last years, upon close self-observation, that I have never lived. I have seen that the way I exist is simply patterns of behavior that I repeat over and over again. I have seen my limitations and my fear to break from them and how much I hold on to that which I know to be me. I have seen that most of my actions are automatically learned responses imprinted since childhood which act on my behalf while in the meantime I am nowhere to be found. Still I manage to catch myself in moments and stop myself and become more aware of what I am actually doing and where I am participating within my reality – bringing myself back to reality so to speak. That means that I am bringing myself back to the physical reality out of the mind reality. In my mind there is alternate reality that I exist in and as which is mostly secret reality that I hide from others and where I hold my believes, thoughts, ideas, judgments about other people, anger towards other people, spitefulness towards them etc. And then within that I can see that other people exist in the same way – where what we present to each other doesn’t match at all what is inside of us. So “life” is lived as a bipolar disorder – life is really sick. Thus what I am doing with my life? Is that I am trying to heal it.
Then another question relevant to ask here is “what is the cure for this disease?” I mean we as human have tried many methods to solve our problems, yet so far we failed miserably. Love didn’t work, positivity made things much worse, free choice allowed to freely abuse the world etc. And so I have also tried my ways to escape myself but each time I was brought down to my knees to seek another way. And so I went like that deducting all my possibilities until finally only one option remains and, which, I realize now is the only way to heal myself and this reality – first of all is of course admitting to myself that I am actually very sick, I mean we heard that a lot from different specialists, especially in cases of addictions where the first step in curing the addiction is admitting that we are addicted. So we have to admit that this world is in a very bad condition and that we are far from doing well in ourselves as well. I mean this world simply speaking is a reflection of how we exist inside of us. And if there exist a believe that “my life has nothing to do with the world around me” I mean it’s just a temporary hallucination that will be healed in time when time will prove otherwise. So after we have these realizations settled, the next step towards the cure is the realization that the disease has to be brought to attention, has to be exposed in all its “beauty”. Within this I find myself still very reluctant to really look at it as it is so fucking very nasty that it takes real courage to finally do it. And I am in the process of training myself to look at all of me without judgment as it is the condition that gives access to more and more nastiness to be revealed. Gladly I have tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I utilize and thus work on myself slowly but surely getting to know more and more of myself. It’s not easy and I can see that I have barely started my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s the end of the “road” where all solutions and escape mechanism have been tried and what’s remaining is actual facing of self within all aspects of self where within that I really tried to deny the “bad” parts of me trying to ignore them and thus remove from my existence not realizing that they were always here and they were just growing and flourishing because of my denial
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I grow and project myself only as positivity my negative will be conquered – which is as stupid as participating in charities within the believe that it will remove poverty without realizing that the problem is at the fundamental level where we live within the believe that we are separate from each other – thus equalization of self to all parts of existence within realization that we ARE actually one and equal to everything and everyone is the only valid answer to our problems
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everything and everyone else and that my actions somehow have no effect on the whole where within that I believe in my free choice and my right to personal happiness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my life on useless attempts to make my life all right by remaining positive and trying to balance my thoughts, feelings and emotions without realizing that the polar mind itself is a problem and can never remain stable in one place but has to constantly move from positive to negative thus keeping this whole abusive system in place
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond the mind reality as it is the only thing I have ever known and so I have put all my trust into it never questioning who I am without it
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear losing my mind as all the relationships that I have created, categorized, defined to/towards other parts of existence where I believe that by losing these relationships I will lose myself without realizing that these relationships are in fact limiting me from the realization that I am one and equal to all that is here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose my individuality if I will realize my equality and oneness with everything and everyone not realizing that this is only expansion of my individuality that will include everything and everyone
Thus I commit myself to live my life in a way where I let go of my personal self-interest and start considering everything and everyone within realization that who I am now is just my accepted and allowed separation which I have the ability to stop and within that I expand myself through my actions that prove my consideration and caring for all as myself
I commit myself to stop all believes that somehow my personal life is special and more important than any other life on this earth within realization that this is simply delusional
I commit myself to expose the destructiveness of the believe in free choice and the idea of “my life” by showing that it is exactly what caused all the problems in this world thus we must bring all “my live’s” back together into LIFE
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