Day 34: Repress or Express

 

Today I was again dissatisfied with how I am within communication with people. I found it’s a really cool exercise to observe all the people in one’s reality and see what are personal preferences towards all these people – which ones you like more and which ones you better avoid and so on. That immediately reveals a lot about self where for example today I questioned myself why do I like specifically one of my colleagues much more than another where I was even impatiently waiting for one to leave and for another to arrive. When I looked at the patterns of behavior that these people represent I saw basically who I am by liking one over the other. So the guy that I preferred to work with is much more quiet and reserved within himself; he hardly ever speaks and basically suppresses all his feelings and emotions. So I like him better because there is never trouble with him, he doesn’t complain, he doesn’t raise any issues, he just sits silently and does the minimum that is required of him. So when I looked at him more closely today I saw that the reason I like him is because I am the same. So our behavior synchronizes and we just get easily through the days here. Whereas the other person with whom I have small resistance to work is quite the opposite – he speaks his mind openly and doesn’t hold anything within him. He even farts easily in front of anyone – lol. So basically when he sees that something is not right (from his point of view) he addresses the point immediately until it is cleared up.

When I looked at myself within this observation I found how much actually I am suppressing within myself without speaking it out and where each suppression builds upon another making thus me more and more harder within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within my expression where within each conflict situation where I experience some kind of emotion I simply internalize everything by justifying that the situation/event is irrelevant to be raised and within that I simply go on with my day where I tell myself that I will deal with these emotions that came up later where I will write them out and in this way discharge the energy that was generated not realizing that in this way I never learn to really communicate with people and deal with conflict situations – where when I look at this world and see the ignorance that is allowed by each one it will surely require many conflict situations to bring a change thus having skills in dealing with all kinds of conflict situations is imperative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want an easy life where I never face any conflict and just go easily through my days not making any ripples in my world not realizing that within this I will never change myself but will always agree and accept the reality as it is by only changing myself and adjusting to the conditions as they are

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that change within has to be reflected in the outside – so when I change myself inside I also have to make the effort to make the change outside within realization that change will not happen magically just by changing myself inside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid any and all conflicts within the believe that I should simply adjust to the new situation because I do not trust myself to decide whether that new situation is what is best for all or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bringing change into this world by showing people my “goodness” within conflict situations where I never raise any issue or complain believing that people will learn this kind of behavior from me and become like me  where within this I fail to see that I am still experiencing emotions as judgments and spitefulness in my secret mind towards people which in turn influence my total behavior as I am basically preoccupied with these thoughts of judgment and spitefulness in my mind not being here in and as breath where I am fully aware of this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for all my reactions within conflict situation where within that I regard myself as not having a right to speak up and spill my emotions towards other people where I do not realize that I simply haven’t allowed myself to speak in the moment when the conflict situation occurs not giving any time for my mind to build the energy as emotions and judgments but simply I communicate clearly with another in common sense where we both look for an agreement to the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs/wants/desires and discard them completely thus allowing others to get their way believing that this is how I “give others as I would like to get” when in fact in most cases i am just feeding people’s greed for more and more

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider myself equal to others where I want to only give and give to others not realizing that within this I am allowing and feeding a pattern of abuse and greed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not comfortable with pointing to people points where they have not considered another and acted in greed because I am afraid to hurt their feelings and be perceived as rude not realizing that I am doing this because I am myself scared to be pointed out – which is my ego being afraid to be hurt and resisting to change

 

Thus I commit myself to voice myself in the moment when and as I see that a being is acting in ways that is not considering another where I do that without blame or judgment but within open discussion understanding that this person might have not seen and realized what he is actually doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that people act always deliberately without realizing that they have just missed the point and never realized what they are actually doing thus I commit myself to open the point within simple communication no matter how uncomfortable I am within that

I commit myself to push myself to bring up points within interactions with people and thus educate myself and others how we can deal with problems in the most efficient manner where my main goal is to arrive at the agreements that are best for all

 

Artwork by Cathy Krafft
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