Day 36: Losing Breath

 

I say to myself I’ll start breathing tomorrow – tomorrow which never comes. If I am not living in awareness of breath – where am I? I am lost in my thoughts constantly and continually following them, being directed by them.

In the last weeks at work I experience an avalanche of thoughts burdening my every action within my daily participation. I stop myself in moments and I tell myself that from now on I’ll be only in my breath and will not follow the thoughts that come. The next moment what do I know – I find myself in an alternate reality doing all kinds of things – fantasizing, fighting with others, dreaming, future projecting etc. And again I tell myself what the fuck you are doing get back to the physical man. Enough is enough. And so it goes day by day. Only in certain moment I have flagged myself to remain here and pay close attention to what I am doing. But these moments are rare. So I am trying to figure out how to push myself to remain here in each moment. I see how much I am addicted to my thinking processes placing total trust in my thought, not grasping at all how can I participate in my environment, interactions with others without constantly thinking what to say, what to do, where to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost in my mind believing that I cannot possibly get out of my endless thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place total trust in my thoughts which are guarding me and protecting me from everyone else

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that through the process of thinking I am guarding and protecting only my limitation as my definition of myself as who I created myself to be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I created myself to be is a limited personality that lives in constant fear of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself for not allowing myself to slow myself down and become aware of my breath where within this anger I go into inferiority and comparison towards others within the process who I believe are able to stop their thoughts and live in  breath awareness thus sabotaging myself completely to remain stuck in my toughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase for my breath in the future where I think that I require to accomplish certain tasks to be able to remain here as breath not realizing that breath is always here and I can access it any time and remain in it by slowing myself down – seeing what thoughts are coming up in the moment and releasing them through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only during my writings I can become aware of my thoughts and thus  the rest of the time I simply exist in thinking and getting by through the day just to get to writing in the evening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the writings I do as not being good/specific enough and thus creating energetic experiences trough which I cannot see anything clearly and where I define within that writing as difficult and arduous activity

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am creating my reality in my thoughts – thus if I define something as difficult it sure is as I as the creator of my word said so

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself as creator of my own experiences to create a better reality for myself where what I do would become joyful expression of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that there are certain things that I have committed myself to do and I will do them anyway whether I perceive it as difficult or easy – so as a creator of my experience within my commitments I am able to decide how I want to experience myself within them and so far I only make everything more difficult for myself instead of simply deciding otherwise and opening myself to different expressions that I have never tried before

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of getting it done and not actually seeing myself in specificity/self-honesty and writing myself to actually change myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hide from the real issues that are here because of my believe that I cannot go back to points that I have written many times before out of the fear what others might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fear my reader and exist within desire to want to satisfy my reader to thus get attention as  reward of good feeling for the hard work I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself within most of my writings and writing only from the knowledge point putting the words that sound good but I do not stand equal to them instead of stopping myself in the moment and breathing here to see what are the points that are relevant for my current experience to write about

 

Thus I commit myself to start my writing myself unconditionally and only place words that truly reflect and represent my beingness in the moment where I correctly assess my position and thus enable myself to build practical pathways towards change

I commit myself to stop writing all knowledge that is not lived as myself where within that i realize that i am only confusing myself as well as other who happen to come here

I commit myself to write in breath where I become aware of my fingers typing letters where I take responsibility for each button pressed within realization that here I am determining my future

I commit myself to push myself and do lots of writing until I am truly comfortable with self-expression and where in this way I build trust in myself seeing that what I write is real practical stuff that will support me to develop and change into a being that stands for life in all ways

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