Day 37: War of Egos

 

Today I got angry at work because I didn’t get what I wanted. I really justified that the thing I want is totally necessary for me to be able to work effectively, even though as I look at it now it was not crucial. I just exaggerated the point within myself to try and win the battle. Basically what i really wanted is to sell “my way”, to show that there is a point where I made a correct observation and thus took the responsibility to correct the point. Within facing resistance from others I dismissed all their arguments by the thought “stiff minds don’t want to change”. I really wanted this little victory to build some self-trust and prove that I have some worth.

I got locked on this idea and for the most of the day I kept speaking to myself in the mind about how wrong others are. So basically I failed at normal, common sense practical communication with my fellow beings and made it all into an energy war completely ignoring the consequences of such an act for myself and others. The energy war was waging mostly within myself where I blamed others for not understanding my proposed solution and where I justified why I am right. Here I even I looked for another being to confirm that I am right and my opponent is wrong. I convinced/sold another my point of view and thus I became “bigger” in my justification, not realizing that what I really became is bigger asshole that waged a war against myself basically.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so stuck on my point of view that I haven’t considered what another really thinks about the issue and what are his actual reasons for refusing the proposal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy to enter the scene and direct my actions instead of remaining stable here breathing where I can see the reality of the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a simple practical matter into an energetic war of two egos defending their point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another’s point of view where I started to blame and judge another for being/having a stiff mind unable to listen and hear my point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my point of view to which I was holding so tight that I completely missed the hereness of the moment going into the polarity game of the mind where I was seeking ways how to win this game

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within losing the game seek out the revenge in my mind by trying to justify why I was right where within that I started “to build my army” where I convinced another being about my righteousness thus creating more conflict in the group

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself when I saw what I was actually doing but the drive to win was so great that I continued with building my army still hoping that somehow I can still win the battle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue thinking after the battle was over where I still tried to comfort myself and prove to myself that I was right where within that I missed many moments of my physical participation in my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear direct and honest communication with another about the matter at hand because I was not equal to him but was an opponent as ego who tried to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through fighting as ego I will build a character and become more worthy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the real power is within equality with another but my ego does not want to stand equal to another within the perceptions that this means losing

 

When and as I see myself that I have already started a war with another I stop and I breathe realizing that there can be no solution within this war as the war creates only more war and there are victims as losers thus I only perpetuate the system of polarity within myself and in my reality

I commit myself to find clarity within all conflict situations that I find myself in and within this clarity speak to another as equal about the issue where I don’t have any preconceived outcomes or ideas about what I want to achieve but moving from what is here towards a solution that is best for all

When and as I see myself participating in my backchat after losing the battle within hopes that I can still somehow win I stop and I breathe realizing that there can be no winners in this war and I realize that if I continue participation in my thoughts I will create another cycle with the same consequences

 

Very supportive article on the point of reactions:

Day 1: Reaction Games

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