Day 38: Pain in The Eyes

 

For a very long time on and off I have been experiencing rather strong pain in my eyes. It felt like my eyes are under constant tension/pressure as if wanting to pop out of the eye sockets. All I could do in these moments is try and massage them and try to push them back into place, which felt good, but for just a moment. My sight was also getting worse over time where earlier in my life I could boast with having perfect vision but now when going for a medical checkup I have to memorize quickly some lines on the chart just to pass the tests. Where I live in the shopping malls we also had these free eye tests offered by opticians. So I went in and so it was confirmed that my vision is pretty bad, especially one eye. Surely they immediately gave me the prescription and wanted to sell some glasses but I did not even consider that as it is rather obvious that once you put the glasses on, it’s for life. That was a few years ago and I am still in the same position, it didn’t get much worse still I find myself being troubled and fearing the consequences if I do not investigate the point and find a solution for myself.

So today I experienced perhaps the worst ever pain in my eyes where my eyes were screaming and wanting to get out of me. I was rather desperate to end this experience. Many times I tried to understand the reason/cause of this experience – where first I thought that this is because of long hours spent by the computer as well as reading my e-book. Yet I couldn’t see that as a valid reason because many people spend much longer hours doing that and are completely ok. I also don’t have any family history with that kind of issue so again that indicated that somewhere on the way I started myself this destructive pattern leading me to this point.

So the pain was growing stronger and I had no clue what I have to do. When I had a lunch break here at work I went to bed to get some rest believing that my eyes just needed some darkness and relaxation, but when I got up after almost an hour it was almost the same with only slight alleviation which lasted only short time before the previously experienced pain returned in full scope. Nothing was working, the pain just continued and never left me as if saying – you are not getting out of this one until you figure out what the fuck are you doing.

Only a bit later after walking with the pain for some time I suddenly looked within myself – yes, I looked into myself – that was the solution. It immediately made sense, the whole time I was concentrating all my attention outside of me trying to find/understand me somewhere there in the outside pictures of this reality. So as an immediate solution in the moment I shifted my attention/focus from the pictures I see around me into myself, into my body, my inner experience in the moment. And when I remained like that looking into myself the tension in the eyes was dropping and it was really amazing to finally get that release. So now I see that I was really trying to find me out there, thus my eyes were also going out to search for me outside of myself. It was like this strenuous attempt to understand/to see everything that’s happening outside of me. Yet all I needed is my breath, staying inside of myself, looking in – because my whole outside reality is projected from within so there is no way I can understand my outside reality by not seeing how I am projecting/creating it in the first place. So by simply staying inside and breathing with awareness has alleviated greatly the pain.

So my body has shown me through pain what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself not realizing that I am here in my body and thus I have to redirect my attention/focus within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to go through this physical pain in my eyes to realize the simplicity of being here within myself as the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not possible to find myself in the outside pictures that I see with my eyes through the mind where there I as the directive principle do not exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am not focusing on my inner being I am completely lost in the outside pictures of this world where I desperately try to find myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am not in my breath but only outside of myself I am not the directive principle of my participation thus I walk only as energy lost in all my thoughts, feelings and emotions trying to figure/see a way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about pictures that I see outside of myself instead of remaining here within my breath where I can see how I experience my reality for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the absence of me as breath be completely lost in the mind where I see the whole reality only as pictures constantly and continually defining my environment within and as the relationships that I formed in separation from myself as also being only a picture thus never seeing the true essence as who I really am that is beyond the pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to pictures that I see with my eyes through my constant attention and fixation on them where I form relationships and connections with these pictures completely ignoring my true beingness that fuels the whole process and which is suppressed in the background

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself and others to being only pictures where within that I am not seeing or understanding the true nature of myself and others as I am lost in these pictures and moving only as the picture in relation to other pictures

 

I commit myself to stop my picture reality by remaining in breath

I commit myself to stop defining myself as a picture where within that I am separating myself from the rest whom I also define as being only pictures

I commit myself to investigate what drives me to keep myself being attached to myself as being a picture and to release myself from all definitions to get to know who I am beyond the picture that I perceive myself to be

 

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