Day 43: Don’t Die before you’ve Lived

Recently I turned 30 and that is somehow really strange. Until here I haven’t paid attention to my age but this number struck me a little as it signifies already that quite a big chunk of the given time here on earth has passed.

It is a bit of a wake up call for me where now I became aware that some points that I have been postponing in my life within the believe that someday I will do it, just don’t come – and here I am faced with myself and the realization that unless I direct myself nothing is going to happen. Surely I haven’t fully grasped yet the concept of the new way of living where we have to walk and script our own lives where there’s no more preprogramming that kicks in and makes everything for you.

That’s how I lived my life mostly –things would just happen to me – like when I finished middle school I have never made plans about my further studies yet in front of my windows where I lived they were building a university where I just dropped in and graduated, without any self-direction but simply being in the flow and trusting that I will get by somehow. So all in all it was an easy ride for me.

It’s not like that anymore, the easy life is over. It’s just too obvious that if there is no self-direction within my live everything will just remain as it is where another 10 or more years will pass within hope that things will happen magically and where eventually regret will kick in, which as been said comes when its already too late. I am not sure about that and surely I don’t want to find that out myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will grow and expand without self-directive action to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all trust on some invisible force that apparently will take me by the hand and lead towards change while I sit and do nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take seriously the stories of old people where they explained how much regret they experienced at the end of their time for not really living their lives  but always existing in hope that someday they will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am different and that change will visit me sometime soon where I have been waiting for years already and proved to myself that unless I direct myself no real change ever happens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on somewhere within my mind to the idea that one day I will be rich and powerful as it was prophesized by a psychic that I once visited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait in hope for the fulfillment of prophesy not realizing the bullshit of it all where I can see clearly myself the extent of actions that has to be taken in  this world to achieve something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my dream world instead of using my common sense and walking a real life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arm myself with number of justification for not having to take self-directive action to grow and expand myself within my skills and my abilities so thus to enable myself become more equipped in having an impact on this world by bringing a new system of equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all the responsibility on others for making a change in this world while I wait for myself to come around and join someday in someway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within future projection of myself holding the idea of who I want to be while time goes by and I remain exactly where I was without moving a bit and still hoping that somehow I will change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust on the invisible force because there were instances in the past where everything worked out ok without me doing anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we are walking a different process now where the pathway before us is not preprogrammed but is being shaped by each one through participation in each moment of breath and thus within that –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste many breaths which I could have used for self-growth and self-expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and doubt when now being faced with self-responsibility for how my life turns out also within realization that each of our life also determines/influences the lives of others and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressurize myself with this realization not realizing that this pressure makes it harder for me to break away from self-imposed limitation thus I remove all pressure and all thoughts and simply concentrate on myself and finding ways how can I effectively correct that which I have allowed within myself

I commit myself stand up within myself and no longer allow postponement to direct my ability to direct myself

I commit myself to utilize all opportunities for self-growth and expansion

I commit myself to reveal and expose the illusion of existing in hope so that those who are about to fall into hope’s trap would see and learn from my mistakes

I commit myself to become the director of my life where I stand tall and never give up when challenges hit my ground

I commit myself to walk through my fears by writing them out, forgiving them and thus giving myself the opportunity to walk the path of life

I commit myself to share myself with my brothers and sisters the process of walking the path out of hope into the path of unconditional self-expression where life is freed from the clutched of illusionary self-imposed limitations such as fears/doubts/ideas/believes/perceptions

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