Day 49: Fighting for My Limitations

 

I am in the process of breaking the limitations of how I have accepted and allowed myself to shape myself into this limited mind machine where I endlessly repeat the same behavioral patterns, spinning over and over in the whirl of repeating thoughts, feelings, and emotions. One of these patterns is running away from myself, where when I am faced with change I fall back into the old self where I feel in control again. So this addiction to remain stagnant makes my journey rather difficult and unless I break through this fear of getting to know me and change me I will remain the same until the day I die. This thought is scary and forces me to act no matter what. However this then creates the experience of rushing and wanting to move faster where within that I miss my breath and thus the ability to look at myself in slow motion and see exactly how I allow myself to remain stuck in this process of change.

Patience, specificity, awareness of breath in each moment I see are crucial components that I haven’t allowed myself to live as me. They all go hand in hand as the ultimate toolkit of a programmer as what each of us has to become to correct ourselves and our collective creation. We have allowed the program that we exist in and as to run rampantly where we diminished ourselves to being only small parts of this whole system and where we function now through relationships that we accepted and allowed to govern our lives. So basically we divided ourselves and separated into small bits and pieces where nobody now is able to stand as the totality of this creation and direct it. We each play only our own little parts blindly accepting the foundation upon which we live as valid and unchangeable, as too big to be challenged.

So the process of breaking the limitation is exactly and specifically identifying my role within the totality of this system, to understand how and where I have allowed the separation and division from the whole and thus start the process of piecing myself back together, as the process of expansion into and as all the other parts I have separated myself from. I am not separate from anyone else in this existence unless I am completely identified with my mind that gives the illusion of division. So the process is to realize I am not actually my mind but I am my physical body as the substance, the dust of the earth, that each is made equally of. Here lies the key to equality, back to home.

However knowledge and information about the beingness of me means nothing without practical physical living of that knowledge and information, where I actually walk the process of collecting piece by piece all the little parts I have separated myself from. Within this blog I want to reclaim and integrate the words mentioned above as the essential tools for walking my process. Patience, specificity and of course being aware of my breath as this is the only space where these words can be lived effectively.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the process easily and halfheartedly where I did not make sure that what I write and commit to is lived effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no middle way in this process and the decision to stand for life has to be complete and lived in each moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to practice slowing down in my living where I can see in absolute specificity how I exist and how I should practically correct my living for an effective change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a rushing experience where I miss the specificity of the points I am dealing with not realizing that I am just wasting my time where I will have to go back and deal with the same points again and again until they are dealt properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am dealing with the points in halfhearted approach not seeing all the dimensions in absolute specificity I compromise myself because these points, as individual entities, will do anything to survive by transforming and changing their form and thus create another layer to be dealt with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with partial realizations on the points I am dealing with instead of not accepting and allowing anything less than absolute realization that leads to real change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when working with the points be directed by my mind where it says OK it’s done you can move on now to the next point even though I can see that there is no clarity and realization that can lead to real change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mind where it’s clearly me as the mind allowing all these decisions to be made to remain stuck and not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self-motivation to move myself where I have the tendency to run out of patience when not seeing immediate change in my reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations where when I do not get what I expect I lose motivation to continue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require some experiences as the prove of change as apparently that being my motivation to move within my process

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that only being in my breath I am able to stabilize myself and stop this bullshit of seeking and searching for experiences and prove about my change

 

I commit myself to sit down with myself and work on myself until there is clarity and understanding on points that I am working with as the realization that this is the most important thing in my existence- to ensure effective walking without having to endlessly keep returning to the same place again and again

I commit myself to become the director of my actions where I no longer allow my mind to interfere and give justifications why I should stop applying myself  – i realize that it’s me as the mind not wanting to face myself and change who I am and thus within that I push through these resistances until who I am become an automatic self-movement without there being a need to push and force myself to keep applying myself

I commit myself to make my constant awareness about the current state of the world to be my motivation to move

I commit myself to ensure that before I leave this earth I can look the children and animals in their eyes without shame and regret

 

Specificity – spec I feasibility – Self/I (I) – investigating/exploring/discovering every spec, nook and cranny within ourselves and this entire creation of ourselves within and without and cross-referencing its feasibility/practicability within this process of standing as what’s best for all/equality and oneness and not accepting/allowing anything less than that

– Sunette Spies

Patience – Patience is a movement of self, it is standing within the center of self/self’s beingness holding existence within self as the beacon, the pillar of/as self and within that equal and one stand as and with existence where self knows: what I speak, how I live and as I lead – the certainty of who I am as existence is here as me, and I walk in every moment with/as breath as this certainty that is trust of me as existence: that I remain, that I stand and whatever shall come to pass – we’ll be here. Patience is thus the certainty of self’s trust in who self is and knowing/living that what we walk for/as existence will stand/remain as self – whatever the outcome may be for all.

– Sunette Spies

Supportive Writings:

Day 49: How to Tell if You Are a Slave

Day 6 – Self-Trust

Lost in the Future – Day 48

2012: Relaxing as Attention Diversion

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