Day 56: My Focus Is Me

I have put too much stress upon myself within writing where each day it is harder and harder to find topics to write about. I can see how I am falling down slowly and crystallizing myself into this pattern without having a look at the ideas and thoughts I have around this issue. One of the things is that I slowly shifted my focus from myself to the reader where I consider mostly what others would like to read and my presentation. My starting point is no longer me but others, I abandoned myself basically. I have made my process only about keeping score instead of writing from self, as self and for self.

There is also this desire to be more than I am where within that I start going away from myself into knowledge so that I could upgrade myself and get some “good shit” out as my writings. It’s like I have a duty to present something, never realizing that within this I am actually harming others because I simply spew knowledge that is not lived or realized within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within myself that writing is difficult and takes a long time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if writing comes hard and there is no flow it means I am not looking at me in self-honesty but trying to project myself as more than I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness statements as an outsider which means that I look outside of myself to see all the relationships that I exist in and as instead of looking directly within as all the relationship that exist in the world exist within me – as above so below

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that thinking when I write indicates that I am already reconstructing the information to suit my ideas of what I must write about instead of writing the raw truth of myself without self-judgment but in self-trust knowing that whatever comes I will direct it within self-corrective statements section

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that writing in separation from myself I do not give the actual picture of myself and thus the actual disease as what I have become is not seen and thus not able to be corrected effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that unless my writing brings me closer to my breath I am simply wasting time and wasting time of those who stumble upon my readings

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to create a standard of writing where I would ensure that my awareness of breath be the necessary ingredient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a desire to grow within my writing where within that desire I miss the reality and have a resistance to go back and revisit my writing when it is necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to  stop and go back within my application when I see that what I am doing has no effect/there is no change in who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing time if I have to go back and revisit my writing not realizing that I am losing time by not going back but continuing the fuck up that will have to be faced later either way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and wait and wait until I have prove from someone outside me that what I am doing is not effective instead of simply being self-honest with myself – that is much easier and saves hell lot of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump from one point to the other within my writings even when I can see that I haven’t really directed the previous points effectively in various its dimensions – and thus within this pattern of jumping I become an halfassed worker who builds a house without a roof and wants to have an effective living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within writing only based on the feedback I get where I shape myself in a way to get better feedback even though within this process I lose myself completely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about others opinion in any way whatsoever instead of trusting myself that what I write is real and is directed towards nothingness where no knowledge exists but freedom from all voices in my head that dictate my writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to catch my words and phrases that I write and claim ownership of them not seeing the ego boost as virus growing in my brain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my body the one and only feedback mechanism within my writing where with each sentence I write I observe the responses within my body – is there any pain? Has my blood rush increased/decreased? Is my breathing harder/smoother? Are any parts of my muscle twitching/contracting? Do I become more reactive to my environment/less reactive? What emotions are coming up? Do I start to feel sleepy or more alive?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repeating myself within my writings even though its necessary to revisit points that were not directed effectively thus denying myself real support

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just let go of all my defense mechanism and write myself out unconditionally and if any information that doesn’t have to be shared in public, like names, or information that might compromise my job position, comes out I will edit accordingly at the end of my writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count my self-forgiveness statements when writing where I compare that amount to my idea of what a good blog should be like – completely missing the point of effective self-support in writing as much as I have to until I am clear within this for the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not allowing myself unconditional expression within writing I am making my writing into hell – overheating my brain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my expression in writing becomes more rigid where I have to use a lot of effort to find topics to write about it means I am going into suppression and this then needs immediate redirection

I commit myself to stop writing for others and focus all attention on myself where I utilize my body as immediate feedback mechanism

I commit myself to repeat within my writing any point and as many times as I have to – to make sure that at the end I am clear and I breathe with more clarity

I commit myself to stop all comparison with other who are writing where I will place all focus purely on myself within realizing that we all walk different process where each has different allocations points within this system and so needs different perspectives to release the bounding connections

I commit myself to remain with a point as long as it takes to effectively release it and so I let go of all the rules that I have creating within myself about the writing process – my primary consideration is my beingness as breath

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