When I was in my teen years and when I was seriously doing sports the older guys would warn us youngsters occasionally to take it a bit easier with the pressures we put on our physical bodies, they kept saying how the traumas of the past catch up with them and what pains they cause in the present. It’s amazing how when being young and vigorous I did not hear these warnings; I simply enjoyed my strength, my quick healing abilities and believed it will last forever, I believed that somehow I am different, special and whatever they talk about does not apply to me. I mean some older guys even told me that they had the same believes and now they are living the consequences. Still that wasn’t enough to penetrate my defenses and I kept my lifestyle as it is. In my younger years I did wrestling and there I had many accidents where I broke my bones a couple of times, tore apart a few ligaments on my legs which do not have the ability to heal themselves, broke my rib, had multiple strains and many other smaller injuries – so basically I didn’t give a fuck about my body in any way whatsoever, on the contrary I was even proud of myself because of the number of injuries I had, where people would laugh at me for how crazy I am and medical professionals would greet me every time on my routine visits. I was proud at the speed I was able to heal myself and get back to the wrestling ground. I mean, even when I was apparently healed and well I would have these involuntary switch offs where my leg would simply disconnect and I would fall down, yet still within that my only reaction was a smile on my face where I considered these events really cool. I would tell my friends about it and we would have a laugh together, that’s it. The level of arrogance and disregard for my physical body was extreme to say the least.
It’s interesting how I developed this personality of always being physically traumatized where after a while it grew to such an extent that almost every second training session I would get some kind of injury. When I look at it I see that it served me a couple of purposes at the time – where one was all the attention I was getting and another was the excuse to not participate in competitions, which I truly hated. As a rule, before the competitions, I would get some kind of injury thus freeing myself from participation, with great satisfaction I might add. The whole preparation period for the competitions was making me really anxious where I would slowly build this emotion of anxiety within me to the point where I would get the injury and that would then release all this compounded energy. At that time the option to simply tell my coach that I do not want to participate in competition somehow didn’t exist within me because this “weakness” was unacceptable for a male in my culture. The pressure and expectations that were placed on us was huge, especially if you were one of the leading figures within the group of athletes. So getting injuries to skip competitions was my only way to escape which at that time I could conceive. And I became very good at it. However never realizing at what cost I was doing it.
So it’s really amazing how we as humans underestimate the health of our physical bodies where we blindly build various personalities through which we harm ourselves as our bodies never realizing that our body should be total priority as it makes the experience of all these personalities possible in the first place. At the moment priority is given to our feelings, desires, wants and needs while failing to realize that all of that is useless if the body becomes disabled. In our minds we became separated from our bodies and usually we miss all the many signs and calls that the body is showing us, asking for attention. The separation is to such an extent that the call is usually heard when it’s already too late. There are great many stories of regret from people who faced already the consequences of what they have allowed in separation from their physicality. They have already realized the uselessness of all wants and dreams and desires for achievement when the one thing that matters is disabled and sick to the point where there is no way back. And they try to speak up and warn those who still believe, as I did, that this doesn’t apply to us and we are somehow protected from such faith. Yet the thief comes at night when you least expect him and he robs you of the one thing that truly matters. This thief is our mind, it steals the life substance of our bodies to turn it into alternate realities of happiness or love despite the actual needs and requirements of our physical, practical living here.
It’s enough to look at this world as our big body that we all share; we have completely ignored its needs in the pursuit of ideas as our ideals of what it means to live. Have we in any way created life that is worth living? – Surely not, all we have in this world is fake smiles pretending that what we did is OK, yet at nights, in the darkness when we are alone, we cry in pain, agony and fear not really understanding what is happening to us and how did we get here and what is the solution.
To be continued with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements…
Artwork by Damian Ledesma
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