Day 62: Self-doubt and uncertainty in studying

 

While studying at my school of homeopathy I find myself too often becoming overwhelmed about the vastness of information there is to be known. I start to future project myself where I already know everything and that’s where I like to be. I don’t like being here in the initial stages of study where most concepts and functions of human body are completely unknown to me. Within this mind projection I lose myself and do not even see what I am reading and studying in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that mastering any new material requires time and dedication but instead I desire a shortcut where I magically become all knowing being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is just no way I can ever learn or understand about how the body functions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance to learn all the knowledge and information required for my study lessons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I do not understand the material where I believe that by now I should be able to know it based on my idea of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am here as my actual real understanding about the functioning of human body into a future projection/desire where I already have the understanding how it all works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stupid when I do not understand the material I am studying instead of giving myself time and patience to learn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am creating myself in each moment by making decision of who I am and that when I define myself as stupid that is exactly what I manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each time when I do not understand something and within that confirming to myself that yes I am actually stupid is the result/outcome of my initial decision to define myself as stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have defined myself as stupid based on my past memories of other people’s opinions about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the most influential people in shaping who I am today were my family members

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my mother throughout my life where even though I resisted her guidelines that she gave me in life I still ended up following them because that was a “safe” way for me to live where I did not have to take self-responsibility  for my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my mother’s doubts in me were always just reflecting my own uncertainties where I never really stood strong within my decision because of lack of self-trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family line for not having this assertiveness and courage in living the live fully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate living life fully to taking risks where I can see now that all my endeavors in life were bald leaps of trust without ever considering the reality of the system and how it functions thus I was never sure and confident about the outcome of my decisions and thus self-doubt was manifesting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whenever I was specific and practical within my decisions I was always getting the necessary support from my family

 

I commit myself to develop patience and necessary discipline to become specific and down to earth practical about my living and the choices I make where I would be able to show to each one the common sense practicality and certainty that is present within my living choices

I commit myself to take all the necessary steps required to achieve the goals that I have set for myself and whenever doubts or self-judgments arise I stop myself to investigate them in specificity and make sure that they are removed from my path of self-perfection

I also understand that some decisions that I make based on the principle of acting only in ways that is best for all will not be understood by some people because most beings exist in the believe of separation from each other and are not willing/able to hear about the possibility of a different world thus I commit myself to stand in front of each one without fear or doubt and insist on my path of life

Artwork by Matti Destonian Freeman

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