Day 64: Search for excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always create some point of excitement in the future that I could live towards and which serves like a purpose for my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point in the future will fulfill me when I have proved to myself over and over that when I reach these points it only satisfies me for a moment where after that I am immediately faced again with the emptiness of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I live towards some point in the future I don’t have my focus and full attention in the present moment because I keep thinking about my future moment where I fantasize about the excitement that I will get

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this future moment that I live towards serves as an escape mechanism where I run to hide each time that I face the reality of what I have become as the energy dependent machine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this escape deliberately even when I see in the moment what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are more powerful than me thus I allow myself to be pulled into the pool of thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing in and as thought is an addiction just like any other addiction and thus can be stopped as I have proved to myself by stopping many addictions that I believed I will not be able to stop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being here within awareness of breathing and my physical body I can slowly but surely practice slowing myself down and thus getting to the point where I can see my thoughts emerging and where I can make a self-directive decision to not participate in further process of thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find breathing and remaining here very difficult because there is no excitement within that and no immediate results of any change in my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea what it is like to be fully here in oneness and equality with everyone and everything not realizing that it’s only my mind that has expectations where I am again living for a future moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being here in equality and oneness with reality is not an energetic experience but it is a simple, practical living where I work together with other beings for a solution to our everyday problems we all face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only thing standing in my way to see the reality that is always here is the desire/search for something more

When and as I catch myself participating in my thoughts I stop myself and remind myself to practice remaining here with and as my breath

When and as I see myself having a point in the future that constantly and continually keeps me distracted from remaining here I stop myself, I note the point and I investigate specifically within writing what this point represents

I commit myself to flagpoint all the different places in the physical reality and in the mind reality where I have a tendency to exist in and as so that whenever I enter the space I would be reminded about the necessity of the application of breathing and remaining here

I commit myself to stop all energy addiction by realizing the simplicity of living here in and as my breath

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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