As a young boy I have never paid any attention to my body appearance. My body was in good health condition and that’s all that mattered as it allowed me to move freely and enjoy my days. It’s only later that body awareness came into picture. I suppose my greatest influence throughout my life that shaped most of my believes and values was my older brother. The first awareness that I remember in regards to body image came when my brother got involved in body building where he became completely obsessed with growing and maintaining his muscles. Living together day in and day out I was observing all the rituals and sacrifices he was making just to make that body grow bigger and stronger. All the special diets and excessive workouts were a daily routine. I can remember how he would measure constantly the size of his arms and his joy when finding out that it grew another centimeter. At that time I was still too young to compare or copy my brother but I can see that in my later years I acted out the early programming.
Now when I look at this whole point I can see that the primary factor within deciding to shape the body in this manner was the whole environment that we lived in. This whole period in time, which was 1990’s, was marked by extreme gang activity in the whole country where most young guys where somehow involved in that, and so was my brother. So I learned very early that one has to be strong to be able to survive in this environment, I learned that one has to be able to stand for oneself and I also learned that to do that one has to be physically strong. That’s the primary believe that was imprinted into me very early in life. Having a few experiences where I was beaten by older guys just confirmed my belief and from here my journey of shaping my body in the image and likeness of the monster began. If I take now quickly the whole life span of myself it’s really amazing how I shaped myself from this little slender and rather shy boy into a fighting machine that was fearless and vicious as well as lifeless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed with the believe that people are rivals and need to defend themselves from each other where within that I separated myself from others into my own existence of fear which forced me to become a monster who can keep others at a distance and ensure self-survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe that physical strength is the only way to ensure safety and survival where within that believe I began extensive physical training to thus ensure my ability to stand for myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate stability/self-confidence/ability to stand for myself with physical strength where I can see that to this day I feel more comfortable communicating and expressing myself with beings that I perceive are physically weaker than myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through developing myself as this monster fight machine I was preparing myself to defend and protect the personality that I have become as my believes/values/opinions thus perpetuating further separation from others exactly as it is reflected in this world where nations build their physical military apparatus to defend and protect their believes/values/opinions against other countries
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the believe of separation between all beings in existence where everyone has to protect only self/ own family/group against others never realizing the true origins of ourselves as the dust of the earth from where we all equally emerged and where we all will return equally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through by believes I was entering a polarity system where strong and weak exist thus consequently creating the winners and losers and that I was training myself to become a winner within the system to be able to protect myself as the personality consisting of values/beliefs/opinions thus completely sabotaging my vulnerability and ability to recognize myself as being equal to and one with others because as Jesus said “it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a rich man enter the kingdom of god”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body where I have exposed it to extreme pressures of training just to serve my believe that I have to be physically strong to survive in this reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend many years uselessly abusing my body by excessive training instead of developing some other abilities during this time that would support me in becoming a more expansive being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program into myself the fear by listening to the stories that my brother told me about the violent life that is out there and where within that I have absorbed the anger/rage/hate that my brother was experiencing towards other people and then as a solution I saw that I have to become physically strong to not be destroyed in this harsh reality thus I created the Monster – all the expense of my physical body
I commit myself to show that physical strength which mostly turns into violence is not a solution for the conflict situations in this reality but that all conflict situations must be solved either by common sense communication or if that is not possible it is necessary to involve legal institutions to help solve all disputes
I commit myself to stop measuring my physical strength with the strength of other beings where within that I define my level of comfortability in self-expression where I realize that I am not an enemy to others but I am equal to others and thus I have to communicate as such by making sure I am not projecting emotions or any other energetic reactions that might cause a conflict
I commit myself to show that shaping one’s body into an image and likeness of a monster that everyone fears will not create real safety and will not make this world a better place but only will create more fear and separation from one another