So here I want to look at my anxiety that was coming up in relation to having arranged a few meetings with people from my past. The anxiety is of course in relation of how I will stand within these interactions – will I fall back into my old personalities or have I already changed where I can no longer fall back to who I was or how is it?
When having a few interactions with these people online we purely spoke on matters that people usually speak about – work, place of staying, money, family etc. Within that there was no real communication and that made a little bit angry with myself, because I didn’t touch on things that truly matter and after that I already created an idea of what I will communicate about when I meet them.
So here I can see a lack of self-trust and again trying to superimpose/make something else of myself than who I am. I am missing again the simplicity of just being here in each moment. Projecting myself into the future is a mind job where more complex constructs are created, more ideas, projections of how, where, when etc. So it’s absolutely taking my focus into an illusionary reality of the mind away from here which is the only place where real communication can happen. Thus I stop all this bullshit of worrying about what will happen and concentrate all my attention into this moment where I am now as it is the only place that I can direct as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a future meeting when I have no control over that what will happen in the future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every moment spent worrying about the future is shifting my focus away from this moment here into the mind reality where I create different ideas/projections/scenarios instead of being present in every moment and trusting myself that I can deal with all that comes my way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through creating future projections about an event I will enter this event not as a clear/empty/unbiased being but I will be loaded with preconceived knowledge that will overshadow the opportunity of having a real living conversation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my future worries and projections show a complete lack of trust in myself and also makes me question my decision that I have made to stand for life no matter what
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not have to be influenced by my past but can direct the conversations in the moment to reflect who I am and what I stand for because that is the only thing that really matters in this world and there is no time for hiding and playing games
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear nice to people within justification that I do not want them to scare them away from the message of equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as some kind of savior that must bring all “sinner back to god” not realizing that I can only express and show my own example of change and let people decided for themselves whether they are ready to release themselves from the limitations of the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being a better example for others where within that I use methods of self-presentation thus within that deceiving others and myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the key is self-honesty and I can be an example of that
I commit myself to stop participating in future projections whenever the desire comes and remain here within my breath to thus accumulate my ability to be here at all times realizing that this is the only place where I have the power to direct myself
I commit myself to make sure that entering a conversation with another being I am empty and clear within myself and not loaded with preconceived ideas that override the reality of the moment
I commit myself to remind myself to remain self-honest through remaining aware of my breathing where no mind can exist
Artwork by Maya Harel