Day 74: I want to change for real

 

Many of the writings I make come with great effort – the effort of thinking. So rather than seeing directly within myself as who I am, how I actually live and exist as I go into my mind to get the story. As a consequence all the self-forgiveness I do and self-corrective actions that I script for myself are not effective as they are not actually self-realized but thought up in the mind in hope that they will produce some results. My experience already shows that this is stupid and complete waste of time. Writing for the sake of writing, getting it done just to presents to myself and others apparently a self-responsible being is total deception simply prolonging the process of actual change.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to get angry and really pissed off with myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that each moment spent in self-deception bear the bitter fruit of consequence that I will have to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste most of my day on trivial things and dedicate only some time to actual self-investigation instead of realizing this process should be 24/7

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devise escape mechanism throughout the day where they serve as tools to fuck myself to the point where after I can no longer bear the pain I only then begin self-movement indicating that I am still moving as energy from negative to positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the shit to hit the fan until I can really move myself instead of finding the strength and will within to move constantly and consistently by creating for myself specific points of priority that need to be done throughout the day so that there would be no space for the mind to kick in and convince me that there is nothing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself on halt whenever faced with some difficulty where I wait in hope for the miracle that will solve and remove my hindrances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the outside influences to give me direction rather than becoming my own authority making the decision in each and every moment to act in the service of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself throughout my life always wait for orders/directions to move myself where I can see that I feel better within a controlled environment like my work place where the whole daytime is specifically managed with tasks that I have to perform and where within that I can be stable whereas when I am on my own I cannot find that self-will to do as much and remain stable within keeping the consistency of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the lack of self-discipline start from just a fraction of allowance to fall back where from here it grows into an acceptance as a new norm for being

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remind myself in each moment about all the atrocities that exist in this reality and also remind myself that there just a bunch of beings within this existence that actually are taking the responsibility to do something about it and it’s certainly not the time to choose the ignorant side of humanity

I commit myself to start a new life where each day my priorities are specifically established and followed through where I commit myself to work as hard as I am working within the forced job in the matrix and much harder within realization that I am establishing something that is worthwhile and will contribute to the betterment of existence as a whole

I commit myself to identify all my trivial things that I spend my time on during the day and place them in the rightful place which is nothingness

I commit myself to establish a trustworthy relationship with myself where I could trust my spoken and written words as my commitments of action

I commit myself to become the authority of myself where all the parts as different personalities that I have separated myself into would yield to that authority and walk in equality and oneness the path of life

 

Artwork by Andrew Gable

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