Day 77: “I don’t know” experience

 

Many times when dealing with points in my process, especially when communicating with someone, I go into this resistance mode where I just refuse to be self-honest and expose my inner thoughts, reactions, backchat I have had on a specific point where within that my response is “I don’t know”. Within making this statement I immediately shut myself down and actually manifest that experience of not knowing/not being able to see self-honestly and give myself the opportunity to face and direct myself in regards to that point I am dealing with. It shows and reveals that I am still taking my process personally and defending my personality trying to present myself as “not guilty” even though I know that within me there are many points to be opened up and revealed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the process personally where within that I am operating from my personality trying to “save my face” as who I am as the personality not realizing that i am putting up a fight for my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not implement the principle of brutal self-honesty within walking my process where I do not allow fears to influence and direct me away from revealing and exposing all of me in totality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I always need more time to open up a point within myself when having a direct communication with someone not realizing that this time is used by my mind to organize and categorize my self-presentation so that I would present myself in a “better light” instead of giving myself the raw truth of myself and having the trust within myself that I can deal with whatever comes up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my believe that I am not able to see a point in the moment is one the primary things that is keeping me from actually seeing the point in the moment where within that I simply retreat in the “room” within myself to plan and organize my moves so that I can come out comfortably where I prepare the full story mostly in a way to present a better picture of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I have become is not beautiful and that I have to become comfortable with seeing and revealing all the evil that I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I just have to stop judging myself as it is the only way to see more of myself because otherwise when I react towards myself in self-judgment I shut down within myself and resist looking at more of myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look specifically at all my fears that do not allow me to be completely self-honest

I commit myself to stop using “I don’t know statement” when I can self-honestly see that there  is something within the point I am looking at but I use this statement just to postpone and delay the dealing with the point so that I could organize and present the point in a way that would not create any possibility of conflict or reaction from another person

I commit myself to slow down in the moment and make the decision to see the point –and get the information that is required to deal with it – which is possible and doable as I have proved that to myself in the past

 

There is also this desire within me to always have the answer, to see the  point in totality before presenting it within communication and I suppose that is the best way to do things in most cases, especially when dealing with people who have never been exposed to Desteni material and have no way of dealing with the mind – yet within communicating with another destonian that’s how we learn things – by taking the raw material, seeing for what it is and shaping it into that which is best for all with the tools that we have been shown.

Artwork by Leon Perry

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