Day 80: Who I am as the character in the family

When I started questioning all the believes/ideas/perceptions that I existed as in my world it was clear to see how much of who I am is sprouting from the believes/ideas/perceptions of my family. I could see how I shaped myself to be a certain character only based on the knowledge and information that was present in my immediate environment, where the basic foundation of who I am was absorbed in my first years through the example of my parents. So that’s how I was able to start my journey on this earth and be functional in the system where later as I was growing up, slowly through various means I was expanding my character, yet still on the initial foundation that I received at home.

Luckily at some point in time I was able to see and feel the extreme limitation of my existence as only this character. It wasn’t hard to notice how each of my attempts to deviate from my original character that I was brought up as was causing friction in all the other characters in my immediate environment. It was amazing to see how each member within family has a certain function to fulfill – all in the interest of the family itself. One thing that was really impacting me throughout years of observing the life of my family was the attitude towards those who are outside the family and especially those that were less fortunate in this world. I was always very angry with my mother and how she was filtering all my relationships to ensure that I relate only with the “proper” people and whenever her expectations were not met there was friction – I could feel fear resonating from her and that made me angry. As a result of that I can see that later I have developed and interesting character as myself where as this character I gave myself the purpose to become like a UNIFIER where my challenge was to bring people with different backgrounds together and make them friends. I can see that I have played this character quite a lot in my life, but that is a topic for another blog.

So it’s not hard to see how family life functions as a prison where the convicts as family members are constantly and continuously guarding each other to remain within the confinements of the family bubble as the believes/ideas/perceptions – because I mean it’s all that is known and so far it has proven to “work” because the family is still here, surviving and is rather well off within the system. Yet in the meantime the bigger picture of this reality is completely ignored where the facts are right in our eyes showing that this system is not really working at all where more and more families are being destroyed by the ruthlessness of the system and our accepted way of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my family because of the judgment I placed upon them of being blind to the bigger picture of this reality not realizing that I am actually judging myself for being blind because if I wasn’t I would not judge/blame/resist others realizing that this only perpetuates the systems that runs on energy which I create through my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my mother plays her character towards me as being a mother and me being her son not realizing that my resistance indicates that I am still allowing myself to believe in the son character and hold myself as a prisoner to this character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectation on my mother for her to stop playing her character instead of realizing that within my ability to see the game that we all play as characters I must take the responsibility to stop myself as the son character and becoming an example of characterlessness proving that it’s completely unnecessary to exist as any character

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to admit that I fear letting go of the son character where this character serves me as a safety system where in case I fuck up within the system I can go back and claim some support as being a son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop playing the son character I will hurt my mother not realizing that I can only hurt a mother character which is not real in the first place – what remains after the characters are destroyed are just beings standing in equality and laughing at the stupidity of what was accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by deleting our accepted characters we are not becoming less but we are expanding beyond the limited definitions to include all life

I commit myself to show that who we are as characters playing the family game is not real but an illusion that is keeping us enslaved within the confined bubbles in separation from the vastness of life

I commit myself to show how we from the very beginning have accepted our characters as real and why we find it so difficult to see the simplicity of equality of all life

I commit myself to stop my characters and prove that it’s not necessary to have a character to exist in this reality

More on family and how we create our children to be slaves to the system:

Day 79: Stepping out of Character with LOVED ONES

The Family Charade in Character – Day 80

Day 34: Families Failing at Life, Part 1 – First 7 Years (read all 6 parts)

Featured Art Work by Matti Freeman


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