Day 81: Character: I am a Monster


This point opened up while doing a recording of myself where I can see now that this self-judgment was always here but somehow escaped my attention. It’s a self-judgment based on how I look. This perception of myself was created through my extensive participation in sports (martial arts) where within that I was basically building a killing machine out of myself to be able to survive in this harsh reality. I have already opened up and wrote about this point in one of my previous blogs, where I looked at the reasons for doing that, and thus within this blog I will look into the outflow, the consequence that I am bearing now as a result of all that.

At some point I realized that this monster suit that I created for myself was in no way supporting me to effectively live in this reality. So once I started dropping this character I was faced with my weakness as who I was beneath and that was kind of scary because now I didn’t have the monster to protect me. Yet even though I was no longer feeding the monster character my body was still carrying the memory of the whole monster programming. My whole behavior within my body was still very rough and I had to learn new way of living and moving myself. The mind was also still reflecting the nature of the monster and here as well I had to learn how to interact with people in a different way.

So here my other character was born – “the nice guy” (another very big character up to this day) who was always smiling and being polite. To learn my new ways of being I saw that children were the key in this. In the beginning children were afraid of me and thus it became my goal to gain their trust. So eventually I became good friends with children and learned a lot from their simplicity. But again that was superimposition on the monster character because I never really dealt in totality with all my experiences that I faced while wearing the monster suit. That has mostly to do with my body and how I look and how I move in my body, how I sound also is very prominent. So I still judge my appearance a lot and today’s experience has clearly revealed that to me. So this self-judgment creates a resistance within me to show myself publicly in a form of doing recordings for example. I also had huge resistance in making pictures of myself where I would always make a statement “I am not photogenic” and run away into the background. I also attempted to design alternative ways of self-presentation to avoid showing myself where I would sit long hours and research video editing possibilities, so basically anything to hide the real raw me.

It’s also interesting to note that when I have read other people’s blog where they started to take on all the self-judgments in relation to their body I had the believe that I am ok in this area and there is no much judgment from my side – yet now I see how wrong I was and each day I find more and more judgments related to different parts of the body that are just not good enough – chest too flat, toes are too long, shoulders too narrow, head looks like a criminal, too much fat on the ass and thighs, feet are too big, back is too crooked, oh and ears are too big etc. So there is a lot of self-judgment that I have in relation to my body and here below is an excerpt from an interview that really rings a bell and invites for some writing:


“…The entire human physical body exists in equilibrium, unison, co-creation, co-existence, equality and oneness: I mean, your entire brain is just as important as your entire structural, skeletal, physical foot; in terms of having a complete equal and one manifestation of an entire physical body.

So, I mean, even within your processes – the most important point that I would suggest starting with within your self-forgiveness processes as well, is with your own physical body.

What organs, what part, what manifestations do you have judgments towards, do you have preferences towards, do you have resistances toward, do you judge, do you prefer, don’t prefer, like/dislike – I mean, you’re going to open up an entire existence of your mind-relationship to your physical body just within walking this one simple point.

But obviously it is going to be one of the most important relationships that you can ever establish within your existence as a whole….

It’s the obvious point that one would start with – isn’t it, really? Because, you are in your very physical body, and you are walking through your mind within your writing, and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application – but again, how are you going to go into real, actual self-corrective application in living words, if you still have a separate relationship with your own physical body? It’s kind of, a little bit contradictory…”


So from this I see that I will have to do some writing to stop the judgments that I have placed on my human physical body parts as it is really difficult to proceed in this kind of separation that I exist as with my own body



Supportive Blogs:

Day 64: Mind & Body – A Revolutionary Step – Part 1, Overview

Day 20 – Body Image – My ‘J-Lo’ Buttocks


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