I have had some resistance to hearing gossip around me just again showing me that I still have a relationship with it. And yes I can notice now throughout the days where I enter gossip somehow not really seeing for what it really is. When I say that I am not seeing, it’s not completely true because I do actually see it and yet I manage to justify it in the moment and I chose to go for it as it serves certain characters that I exist as in my world.
I grew up in the environment where gossip was a normal part of conversations and through endless hours of listening to it I became intricately educated how gossip can be utilized in making connections to achieve some desired outcomes. I have seen myself today doing this and even before I spoke my first words I was well aware what I was doing, now looking back I can see that I was in one of my characters that wanted to provide some entertainment for another character and basically gain some points within that, and here I utilized my gossip character because from my past experiences I knew that this other character enjoys such little entertainment stories and would appreciate this little piece of information. So in one moment I decided to go for it and began my story of gossip where while doing that I was closely observing every reaction from another to see whether he appreciates what I am sharing, evaluating how many points I am getting to support the leading character through the gossip character within me.
It’s also worth mentioning that the story was about our superior within work environment and it is not hard to see that these types of stories get most attention from those that are within lower positions. This somehow equalizes the both characters- where the superior is brought down and the inferior becomes more in his own eyes/mind, as all the value we get about ourselves is based on the systematic accepted factors – like position, money, status. So by bringing down the superior we, for a moment, get a good feeling about ourselves. And surely those who are able to provide us with this kind of momentary upliftment are also valued more in our environment. So here I was basically trying to give more value to myself on the account of another.
And all that is because we have no recognition of the value that we truly are as equals as the physical human beings in this world where we are existing in total separation from each other trying to uplift ourselves from different outside sources to make “the best” of this “life” not realizing the consequences of such actions.
To be continued with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements