Day 90: “Yes/Ok” Character

 

“Yes” character steps in automatically within most conversations even before I understand what another is saying. It’s really ingrained within me and it takes now great effort to break the character. Effort from the perspective of slowing myself down and really considering the information I am hearing and not just agreeing with everything. The most common situation is where somebody explains me something and somewhere along the way I lose the track of what’s being explained to me, yet I do not stop the explanation and continue listening within hope that I will catch up and understand what was explained to me – however experience shows that this rarely happens and thus I am usually left in a very uncomfortable position because I claimed that I understood when I didn’t and now going back and saying to the person that I have lost track of what the person was explaining to me, long ago before the explanations was finished, is rather inconvenient. Obviously the best solution is to stop the explanation in the very moment when I lose the track and ensure that I do understand what was said. When missing that moment the resistance to stop accumulates and eventually I get to the point where I “can’t go back” and thus walk away in great despair now looking for other means to find the answers.

I am grateful to myself that I have placed myself now in a position where I cannot simply allow this character to act freely because the consequences of not understanding the explanation are great. This is within my work environment where I was made responsible for a type of work that is rather risky and a lot depends on every decision I make.

This character is closely related to the character of “not wanting to impede/bother” other people where I would make sure that if I have to ask someone something I would do it in a way that makes least intrusion and imposition into another’s space where within that always trying to preserve a certain image of myself as being an “easy going and nice guy” which is another big character that I have and still do live throughout my days.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live a “yes/ok” character where within that I do not actually see or understand what is being said to be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down and allow myself to actually see and understand the information that other being share with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep running from one moment to the other not realizing the importance of actually understanding the direction where I am going – so if I miss the points along the way naturally I am running blind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am missing a moment here who is in control is my mind as my automatic behavior patterns that I have programmed myself throughout my life – which is all based on separation and self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider certain moments as more important than others which explains why I am not giving my full attention to any given moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whichever moment is presented to me HERE is me and is placed by me for me to always take full responsibility for and direct in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop the very moment I see that I am not seeing/understanding something that I give my attention to in that moment and within that make sure that I am clear what it is I am facing where i realize that I cannot go on to the next moment existing in a pattern of skipping moments – which can be called selective participation

I commit myself to slow myself down and move in clarity rather than run fast as a blind man within realization that there is nowhere to run and that eventually I will have to come back and collect all pieces of myself that I have skipped during my blind race

I commit myself to remain in breath here and be the directive principle of my actions instead of allowing my automated behavior patterns control my living according to my original programming that is based on survival, separation, self-interest

I commit myself to value every moment during my day as equally important to any other moment and give my full attention and focus within realization that there is nowhere to go or run as I am HERE

I commit myself to direct each moment in full awareness and utmost care realizing it’s that every moment is me and is placed by me for me where I test myself whether I can stand within each moment and direct it towards a solution that is best for all

 

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