That’s the character that comes in whenever I face a difficulty in my life where I as the character want to end it all, move away from the difficulty, start again, make another stupidity loop just to arrive to the same point over and over again – of having to face the difficulty of breaking the patterns of my accepted behavior. It’s so easy to just retreat and not face myself, to remain unchanged and even righteous by finding many justifications why I couldn’t bring myself to the point of change.
I have never taken responsibility for this character because I have never seen my part in its creation, it was always somebody else to blame for this, and thus me giving up on myself would be like a revenge on those whom I perceived are to blame for my experiences. I am always the victim in this where I take all the blame upon myself, still believing it is not my fault, and I leave the scene, saying goodbye to everyone with the thoughts in my back “you’ll be sorry for this”, “I will find a place where I am understood”
I suppose if it were possible I would have long ago left this world while existing within this character, because I was never able to find that place where I am understood completely, there would always arise some type of conflict where again I would enter my victim’s state and again “I give up” character enters the scene and so the search for a new place begins. I have traveled many places like that.
One of the problems within that is my inability to communicate openly and express how I feel in the moment and thus I simply suppress everything within myself, creating the whole alternate reality where I am right and all the other are wrong. There were moments when I tried to express myself but usually that was creating more conflict as it was already coming with a slight reaction of blame and judgment from myself towards others.
To be continued