Day 93: “I’m so screwed” character

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to the point where I have suppressed myself to the extent where I am unable to see a way out where within that I still keep searching for justifications to keep that state of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self-forgiveness on the point because that means that I will have to release the suppression and start really investigating myself and stop the self-abuse that I am perpetuating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell and convince myself that my self-forgiveness is not effective where within that I dig into my memory to extract moments where people criticized me for my writing to justify this belief and so that allows me to write self-forgiveness without actually changing myself through my writings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for points within my writing that would bypass the actual points that need direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gather all my negative experiences and create a character “I am so screwed” because existing as this character I don’t have to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mind personally where within that I create the fear of self-exposure and thus chose to continue my existence in my persona-LIE-ty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself thus not allowing myself to stand equal to myself as the fuckupness that I have created as myself where I say to myself that I have walked this process for a long time and I will not accept my character “I am so screwed”, which has come to the forefront, as myself and within that I deny this character – and I am also trying to get rid of the point, as another person, through which this character has found its expression believing that by getting rid of that point I will get rid of “I am so screwed” character and so continue my comfortable journey of self-investigation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to destroy everything that I have created so far as the support structure to face myself where within that I am only considering myself and completely ignoring other beings and the totality of LIFE that is suffering and waiting for fuckers like me to stop the mindfucks and get real in sorting this existence once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I want to end suffering in this world while I still keep torturing myself by giving my mind the authority to decide what is best for me instead of realizing in totality that the most effective path is already here under my feet and all I have to do is walk it breath by breath

I commit myself to stop myself whenever the heavy experience of “I am so screwed” character comes upon me and within that realize that I DECIDE who I will allow myself to be in each moment and that I have the power to break my self-created resistances because they are not real but exist only in the mind

I commit myself to stand within my self-forgiveness statement within realization that the best time for real self-application is now as any postponement creates more suffering not only for myself but for all life forms on this planet

I commit myself to prove to myself the effectiveness of my writing so that never again I would be moved by anybody criticizing and diminishing what and how I write in a derogatory manner where I also realize that the attachment of negative association to the word derogatory is also my own just showing and revealing me that I still view things from a personality standpoint

I commit myself to stand equal to my mind as the characters that I have allowed as me so that within that I would be able to look at them intimately as myself and trough investigation find the core points that require attention in order to transform these characters in what is best for me and for all

I commit myself to honor the path I have laid for myself within the existential process and to no longer hold myself back in walking this path fully

 

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