“I will definitely fuck up, as I always do” – within this statement I am holding myself captive to my past memories not allowing myself to break through the walls that I have allowed to be built around me.
I have often heard a saying within my work environment when people would talk about their superiors – “they always remember you for your fuckups no matter how many times you get it right”. So that it very true in my inner reality where my mind as my superior always keeps reminding me about all the fuckups I have done throughout my life.
In my school years I wasn’t the brightest student and would often fall behind within different subjects – so facing failure in my classrooms was quite a usual routine for me. In time I accepted failure as who I am and from here I started figuring out alternative ways of survival – I could never stand as equal to all the bright students at school and within that I developed a character of a “cheater”. That became the key to my survival and I became quite proficient in it. I trusted myself in all situations that somehow I will find a way out. Here my self-responsibility and self-trust to accomplish tasks on my own, without cheating, became almost non-existent where eventually I even stopped trying to understand or learn anything. Any attempt to do anything by myself would be sabotaged within by backchat “what’s the point I will fail either way, so it’s not even worth trying” and so I could allow this thought to become a reality as I was in a possession of the super skill of cheating. Within that I buried my “fear of failure” character and superimposed that with “cheater” character.
However since finding Desteni and realizing that cheating is no longer an option I am again faced with my “fear of failure” character as everything I do is my own doing. Self-responsibility is now in the forefront of my living and that means actually understanding my reality and participating in it as an equal to everyone else who is here.
I’ll continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in my next blog