How many times I have reached the point where I was able to see myself in more detail and see how I exist within my mind as well as the necessity to really, through applying myself, stop myself. Within that there was this KNOWING that I am actually able to do it. This was creating an energy experience within me of feeling good about it and where I would create a state of relaxation, easiness. And from here what is amazingly fucked up is that I would always allow myself to fall back into my mind, with that comfortability of knowing “I know I can stop”, “I can really change”. In that moment the backchat that would usually come up was of the nature of postponement where it would CONvince that it is completely ok to “just this one more time” indulge into my mind and relax before I embark on the journey of actual, real change, I mean what’s the big deal when “I know I can change”
This whole experience creates like an ego dominance where I start to believe that I am changing, becoming more aware within that not realizing the pit that I am taking myself into each time when allow myself this pattern to play out. Then suddenly I am back again into the chaos of the mind not knowing where to go and how to slow myself down again, desperately crying and creating unnecessary suffering for myself.
And now after all these moment “I know I can change” I am still for the most part of my days remain busy in my mind – all because I have allowed this one more time to slip back into my mind which turned into many times creating and manifesting “postponement “character within me, unnecessarily prolonging my process with endless time loops.
I will continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements
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