Day 106: “I am tired” character

 

Here I want to look at my experience of allowing my mind to drag me down where during the days I have developed a habit of taking short naps even though there is no physical tiredness. This started happening since I returned to my mother’s house for a few weeks visit. I cleverly justified this behavior by claiming that it’s always been like that here in this place. I even blamed and gave my responsibility away by stating that this place has this power over me where within that implying that I have no will of my own.

I mean the practical solution to this is quite simple where I can easily get myself out of this experience of becoming overwhelmed with the feeling of tiredness- by just taking a walk with my dog, or doing some other activity – but instead I remained sitting at my computer doing the same activity and feeling angry at myself for allowing the experience of tiredness come over me. So I have been really putting up a fight with myself instead of working as equal to myself and finding the solution within realizing that this tiredness that comes is what I have allowed as myself and that to get out of it I have to find a practical solution through movement and not just putting up a stubborn fight trying to overcome it – and which obviously, as tested in time, creates only more of the same, more tiredness and eventual yielding to that experience.

So this little lack of understanding as well as discipline creates eventually a larger problem as the accumulated consequence of this allowance. After each of these relapses more and more guilt accumulates and together with that also anger at myself. So that is an example of how a little lack of self-movement drives me deeper into the pit – and all that completely unnecessary.

So

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself when the experience of tiredness comes over me where I try to deny and resist this experience instead of accepting it as myself and moving through it by implementing a practical solution of moving myself within some physical activity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the experience where my ego kicks in to say that I cannot be possibly experiencing this, that I am strong and just have to push myself through this where within that I simply remain doing whatever I was doing which was obviously creating this experience in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see how through these little acceptances I am creating the consequence of accumulating energetic experiences of guilt and anger which manifests unnecessary difficulty on my journey to life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I deliberately trap myself within these experiences where in one instant I went to lie down while listening to an interview where I managed to fool myself that I will actually be able to listen effectively – where obviously I just fell asleep right away after lying down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of walking away from the mind into the stability of the physical consists of small everyday things where within that I discard some experiences as insignificant not realizing the accumulative destructive effect they create as a consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only pay attention to bigger problems instead of realizing that the devil is in the details

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception that it is difficult to live within specificity at all times within the believe that thus I will be overwhelmed/not able to deal with all the details/information

 

I commit myself to stand up immediately when the experience of tiredness arises within me and apply the practical solution – taking a walk with my dog, going outside to stretch my bones or any other activity that will assist me to get out of the sleepy mode

I commit myself to realize in the moment the possible consequences that will accumulate if I give in into this experience

I commit myself to stop fighting myself and work in equality with all the mind states that I get myself into where within that I do not resist or deny what is here but practically find solutions to align myself with the physical stability that I really am

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