There is this one memory that just keeps coming back where many years ago I was working in USA, through the student exchange program, for one summer. It was a three month stay in the state of Atlanta. Since starting my work I was constantly proving myself as a reliable and stable employee where within that the owners recognized my efforts and were entrusting me with more and more responsibilities.
It was one time when performing my daily duties that I have missed my step and thus damaged the cable that was supplying the vehicles with electricity. So I immediately called the mechanic and told him about the damage but not about the one who did it. So when he came and looked at the situation he asked who did it. So that was the moment where I have made the decision to not tell that it was me. Even though I knew that the consequences for exposing myself would not be extensive still I decided to remain silent. Later during our investigation together where we were trying to track down all the events to see how it could have happened and who was responsible for the damage it became rather clear that in most probability it was me. From what I could understand looking at the mechanic I was sure that he knew that it was me – he even tried to make me admit my mistake by gently implying that perhaps I did it without being aware that I did it. Yet here I was standing already fucked with making that initial decision to LIE and again I decided to stand with my LIE till the end and do not admit that I have fucked up.
So looking back now what made me to create this LIE and stick to it no matter what was self-interest and fear to lose my position. I have defined myself as a being that can be trusted with responsibility and tasks and so when this event happened I was in danger of losing this idea of myself and here instead of admitting the mistake and remaining a trustworthy being, I made the wrong decision out of fear and thus created more consequence for myself through telling a lie. Now what that which I was fearing I was actually manifesting. I was becoming untrustworthy at least in my own eyes because to this day I do not know exactly whether the mechanic knew that it was me who did it. Still I was a liar in my own eyes and since then I was revisiting this event in my mind hundreds of times trying to understand why I was so stubborn upon holding this lie.
As a consequence of this event I developed another character where I, whenever seeing my mistakes, immediately make sure that I confess myself. However the problem is that I do that even when some other parties are involved and should be held equally responsible, yet I am usually the one who takes all the blame and thus it is clearly not what is best for all because the other people do not get the chance to see their roles and apply necessary corrections.
To be continued…