Day 121: My commitments must be lived practically

 

It’s been a year since I started my homeopathy studies and so far I am really taking my time so to speak where it’s not hard for me to do some calculation and see that if I continue in this pace it will take me another 12 more years to finish the school. So here I STOP myself to reevaluate my position and make a decision about what I want to do with my life after all. I have been writing before on the point of study where I looked at my resistances and within that made some corrective statement that I should implement and live and surely within every self-commitment the real test comes when faced with real practical world. And so looking back I see that I have failed to live my words and apparently chose to remain limited and not change. I can see that it’s not just about the school but it’s a general pattern of self-sabotage in various different ways, with various different justifications, self-manipulations tactics – it’s like an army of characters that I exist in and as holding myself stuck in one place -and no one else but me is accepting and allowing this to exist.

It’s amazing that within it all I can actually see how I exist currently and what characters are dominant in my every day participation in my reality. Some of the big characters I wear as my suit and play throughout my days are the characters of constant complaining, being irritable with where I am, desiring for better conditions.

Yet what is really amazing within that – there is no willingness to actually change anything – that is proven by the actual physical actions and words. So that makes it really obvious that for example the complaining personality that I so often wear as my outfit during the days is not interested in change at all because after it is what it is -“a complaining” character – thus any change for better would be the death of this character and so as any other character this character as a separate entity is concerned about survival and it will do whatever it takes to remain “alive” – it will manipulate, it will form alliances with other characters such as “justification” or “blame” character, it will do whatever it takes to survive.

So the question is -who is running the show? Where am I in this equation? Who am I? Am I willing to accept and allow these characters to remain in control and determine the rest of my life or am I willing to stand up and say enough where within that I construct a new path where I design as myself, through investigating, writing, and practical application, a living experience where I would be satisfied and fulfilled – where fulfillment means to make the best contribution to this world in, first, stopping the madness that is here and then creating a world that is best for all where I place myself in a position of most effectiveness and most contribution to eventually create a world where all can enjoy this little time we get on earth.

To be continued with answering of these questions- in writing and practical living

 

 

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