Day 124: “Fed up” character

 

The “Fed up” character switches on after long hours of allowing participation in the mind where I drift through my past memories over and over in my head – within that I get pissed off with myself and attempt to take control of my mind but it’s apparently stronger than myself and I end up in frustration telling myself that I will never change.

“Fed up” character also is active when there is no hope of getting to some point of self-stimulation, for example some event that I perceive as fun and enjoyable. It’s like there is nothing to live forward to. Here comes the realization that I am actually stuck with myself and who I am is not a nice company to be with – because I am fucking boring, constantly replaying the same memories over and over again where I am “fed up”, which means I am full/fed to the brim and there is no free space for anything new.

So it’s basically to do with memories where I become really sick by going over and over the same memories in my mind. These memories are in control of my participation in this reality, they control my whole life, my world, my future. It is utmost self-limitation – just existing within past memories and building/filtering my whole reality though these memories – so surely I get fed up with myself and of course I am boiling within myself wanting and screaming to get out – yet simply screaming and shouting is of no use, without walking the structured way to break this character nothing will happen.
to be continued…

 

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