So one thing is clear – there is something wrong with my starting point in doing the process. In all the years of participation it feels that I am in no way coming closer to being more clear in understanding myself and within that changing me to be more effective, transparent, benevolent human being.
I keep looking back at the time when I first encountered Desteni and who I was then. I long for this old me perceiving that I was much more insightful, disciplined, brave and dedicated being. Within that I conclude that somewhere along the line I have misdirected myself and approached process with some self-interested agenda that brought me here to the point where I have mountains of knowledge and information, plenty of written material behind me but no actual real self-change.
When I encountered Desteni I remember having this fear of not being able to get through with what was being shared, not being able to stop my limited existence as the mind and become expressive human being who can stand bravely for life. I could see my limitations and feared that I will remain with/as them until the day I die. Fear of a mediocre life and thus desire for greatness was my starting point.
So I can see how throughout years I have actually lived mostly in my mind creating ideas and projections about future and who I want to be and become. Within that, obviously, I wasn’t HERE living in actual reality seeing myself as who I really am and taking actions with full consideration of who I really am here now. I wasn’t walking the actual, required practical steps to change myself and so in reality I wasn’t changing – but only evolving in my alternate mind reality. I could feel the whole time, how my ability to remain here in breath was moving away from me, because I couldn’t afford to abandon my mind reality where I was investing all the time and attention as the future “life”.
Desteni character that I developed through years served as the mechanism of self-deception that I used to prove to myself that I was moving somewhere. When talking to people I would present myself as a group member standing for change, yet within that I knew that I am not able to stand as an example of change myself – thus I was using other group members as an example that change is happening and so continued existing in hope that I will also change by mere fact that I am in the group. It’s time to realize that there is no magic and that change is only possible with actual work that one has to physically, practically walk through real actions, through actually following with the commitments that I write for myself.
To be continued…