Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?

Self-intimacy is not possible when there is self-judgment because I will not open up to myself in fear to be sentenced. I am sentencing myself for the thoughts I am having, for the backchat that is running within me not realizing that this judgment is standing as a barrier in the way towards self-correction. As a judge I have defined my thoughts as bad and within that I sentence myself as the creator/owner of these thoughts to be locked away, to repent and to suffer and through that maybe, possibly correct myself.

I mean it’s exactly what we do in our society –we lock away those that we morally perceive to be bad and never actually investigate deeper to understand the origin of unwanted behavior. So as a judge I am doing the same – locking away the bad thoughts that I have towards myself and others and only accept those that are good and acceptable through my judgmental eyes. I cover up the bad with the good – but here I miss the most important point – they are both exactly the same and cannot exist one without the other. So in essence it’s simple – until I have thoughts I am fucked through the system of polarity.

Self-intimacy means understanding myself as the system as who I have become and within that having the courage to embrace my darkness, the negative and to deal with it by utilizing the simple tools of breathing, writing, self-forgiveness and practical correction.

There is also this nagging fear of what will others think of me if I open myself up, which is again the same self-judgment within which I keep my “valves” closed. Surely when I close myself no self-expression is possible and consequently I lock myself away in totality. And that’s how the Judgment character is thriving in the dark corners of self-suppression. From here any action becomes a mind calculation based on the accepted values of the system that are so obviously distorted and also destructive. The whole world is the proof of that, and so am I. Knowledge becomes the only way of expression and life becomes a definition. Constant thinking is utilized to asses every move, categorize it and move into appropriate categories in my mind.

There is no solution in thinking about it, where I am trying to solve my reality and so become a better being. It has to be realized that all of me as who I am now, as the thoughts, feelings and emotions, has to go completely for life to be born. But again there is this desire to shut down everything within me and just enter life without actually walking through the dark, evil place of my mind – while this is exactly where I have to go and look at my nature as this accepted and allowed division of me into countless parts that just keep fighting each other, not realizing – it’s all me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-intimacy because that means seeing everything about myself, not just the good and beautiful parts of me which I am mostly aware of not realizing and understanding that 99 % of who I am is hidden and yet to be discovered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I perceive to be the negative, the bad in me and so within this judgment I completely block all possibility to actually fully see myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence myself for my “crimes” that I am committing through thinking and backchatting in my mind instead of seeing and realizing that this path of locking myself away in judgment has in no way ever made things better but quite the opposite, it created more suppression and destruction – thus I employ a new way of doing things where I forgive myself for all the shit that I have been allowing and within that commit myself to self-change through understanding the problem and implementing the necessary steps to practically self-correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any thoughts of myself as being “good” or “right” not realizing that these thoughts exist in separation from the totality of me and as I use these thoughts to define myself I realize that in this moment I am simply acting as a “good guy” character where I am completely blind to the reality of ALL of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and understand the process of creation that happens with each thought that I think and each word that I speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequences in my reality before I take responsibility for my creation in the mind instead of finally realizing that all thoughts, feeling and emotions – good and bad – are creating consequences and thus none are valid but need to be deleted until there is utter silence/nothingness where life can be seen and realized free from the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and shove away my thinking process and backchat escalations where through this allowance I am constantly creating consequence that I have to deal with again and again – thus literally becoming only the manager of consequences – instead of becoming “a bit” more specific and catching my creation earlier to prevent shit from spilling all over the place – thus saving the time that is wasted in cleaning up the mess to be more productive in doing that which really matters in this reality

Related Articles:

Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

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One comment on “Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?

  1. […] Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful? (arvydasjourney.wordpress.com) […]

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