Day 140: I am less than a system

 

Why do I say that? Let’s take a simple example. My work requires of me to work for two weeks a month while the other two weeks I am free from work. While spending the two weeks at work I have a strict schedule to follow where each morning my job starts 7 am straight and is finished in the evening. So within these parameters in order for me to have at least some time to do my own tasks I have established very effective time management with as  little distractions as possible, and also with little sleep hours. So within these two weeks I function like a clock, very specifically and effectively.

The problem starts when I am left on my own, without the systematic guidelines giving me the direction, where my SELF-WILL absolutely determines my whole movement of the day. And so this is where I fall short on my commitment to be as effective as I can. When I look at it now it is definitely a lack of guidelines that would allow me to walk the day in specific steps ensuring the most effective time management. So as this is non-existent in my living application as a consequence my days end up being like -doing everything, yet nothing gets done.

The realization that my self-will is almost nonexistent is very depressing. And here I face a few choices basically – do I allow this lack of will and this consequential depression to consume me and drag me deeper into the pit of many monsters (regret, shame, guilt, self-judgment etc.) – or – do I get pissed off with myself and through becoming angry for these acceptances I stand with absolute commitment to correct myself into becoming as effective as I can be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require a system with imposed guidelines for me to be effective with time management where without these imposed guidelines I become completely irresponsible/ineffective with my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist establishing strict schedule for myself during the time I am not at work where this resistance still shows my desire to have a choice in what I want to do with my time and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this choice implies self-interest because otherwise I would not have the resistance to make a schedule that has no space for anything of self-interest/not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of living my days in absolute specificity being accountable for all my actions breath by breath within the realization that the mind is programmed in absolute specificity and thus I need the same specificity to stand equal to my mind, otherwise I am completely directed and moved by the FORCE of the mind without any understanding what I am actually doing and how to stop it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for instructions from outside instead being a decision maker an thus giving myself the instruction to live a life that utilizes all the potential within me

 

I commit myself to establish the best practical guidelines within my process to thus make sure that the time I have is not wasted but spent in support of life

I commit myself to identify and remove the points of self-interest and so create the best structure of support

I commit myself to realize the importance of breath within everything I do as I can see that this is the key to make sure I walk my reality for REAL

 

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