Here I am looking into the pattern that I got into for some time now where something always has to play in the background while I am doing tasks on my computer. When there is silence and I am left only with myself I know that there is no way to distract my attention and I will have to really go deeper into the tasks I am doing. This is especially relevant during writings and investigations I am doing about myself. So that shows my resistance to go deeper into myself and see who I really am.
So the problem is now that when I am facing some point I can just quickly focus my attention away into the background noise that I have created for myself which keeps me floating on the surface.
The silence of breathing and just being here – surely that will create the opening into myself and surely I will see myself more clearly and surely I will find a lot of shit which surely will make me sick and surely I will have to really change to heal myself from this sickness. So in the end its fear of change or rather the desire to keep myself unchanged and continue my life as is – which is shit basically, yet there is energy and some feel good experiences by which I define myself and don’t want to let go.
I can already see that there are some big issues for me to face once I shut down my defense mechanisms. Yet I see it has to be done – enough is enough. There is a line to avoidance and this endless cycling around is not actually endless. It all end in death but this is obviously not necessary and we can all actually make the decision at any point in time to stop the cycles and enter the new road of actual change.
Breathing and self-honesty is the key. Through self-honesty I can see in each moment what I am actually doing and I can see what I have to do and then actually doing it, at the same time forgiving my past deeds ensuring the establishment of real practical correction.