This a continuation from yesterdays Blog “Day 160: My Name spoken – memory of school”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear, to this day, of hearing my name being called in a neutral/impersonal tonality like it was done when I was at the school and where the teachers would call me during the class to show homework or do some test in front of the class
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in all ways possible from my teachers during class activities so I could avoid being called out thus existing in constant fear and anticipation of hearing my name spoken
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiety, irritation, disbelief, anger when I would hear my name spoken because I was never prepared for my lessons
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider school as important where all I cared about was playing and having fun with other boys
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for trying to force me to study where within that I created resistance to learning and was avoiding it by all means thus never being actually prepared for classes which as a consequence caused the fear of being called out
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that life in this system is not just about having fun instead of understanding that there are things that must be done in this physical world to thus have a sustainable future
This is a note for all parents to realize that from early years the child must be taught the simplicity of living in this reality. Meaning that the parents responsibility is to explain and show how the reality works, what needs to be done for the “wheels to turn” so to speak. And surely if the child, from early years, learns to live according to this pattern of dividing time into practical caring of the physical and into the time for enjoyment – there should be no problem when the child grows up as he will be already functionally prepared.
Looking back at my younger years I always believed that I was very lucky and that my parents were one of the best because they allowed me absolute freedom to run wild for days and days without having any other duties, just maybe clean my own room, which took 15 min a week. Other than that I was free to roam the nearby forests and ponds exploring and enjoying myself. So obviously the transition from this “freedom” to the school environment was rather difficult as I was suddenly imposed with obligations that I really didn’t like. So I remember that my mother had to deal with my resistance and without much explanation she just forced me to sit with her by the kitchen table and write write write. So that helped for a while, at least until I learned to lie, pretend and manipulate (by the examples of the grown-ups of course). So from here my reality became again one of pure enjoyment and fun only with these damned periods of 45 min (classes) that I was obliged to attend in fear, because I mean in the streets I wasn’t learning the material that they were asking me. So these periods were all potentially dangerous for me to get in trouble and be exposed for what I have not done.
So Here the equation developed: Authority calling my name = I am in trouble
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have learned what it means to stand with responsibilities and commitments in relation to my world and instead existed in constant self-interest worrying only about my experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the world and how the world really functions into my personal bubble of feel good experiences and within that having this little fear always present in the corner of getting a call from reality – Arvydai! in this neutral, impersonal tonality reminding me that I am not the only one existing here on this earth and that there are certain responsibilities I have to take care as an equal member of this system
Thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand my relationship with this reality and be aware at all times what role I am plying and what is my responsibility as who I am as a single cell among all cells that are here constituting the totality of the organism called earth
I commit myself to step out of self-interest bubble that I believed is my right to possess and thus realize that the existence of this bubble is only possible through having energy that is extracted from the earth and that if I am not the one doing it then it means someone else is doing it for me and I am only existing as a leach feeding of others labor
I commit myself to remove the fear of hearing my name by taking responsibility for my world where in each moment I can exist in full knowing and self-trust that there is nothing to be feared as I am doing my part of work in this physical practical reality