Day 163: Call my name to activate me

Continuation of blogs on NAME point:

Day 160: My Name spoken – memory of school

Day 161: Hearing my Name is a Wake-Up call

OK another point in relation to name is where my mother calls me when she wants something from me. The tonality of this call is very soft, almost begging like. And it always goes in the same pattern where from there my mother ask if I can do something for her where then I say “what is it?” then she says “it’s a small job?” then I say “ok what is it?” then again she says “it really small job” then I start getting irritated and say “just tell me what it is” and then she finally says it. Ok so that’s how it usually plays out, over and over again. So whenever I hear my mother say my name in this tonality I am already getting irritated knowing the whole story that I will have to go through to find out what she wants.

So obviously I have created this hardass personality at some point in life where I wasn’t easy to be asked to do something. I can remember that this was the case many years ago when I would just sit at home, read books and not give much a shit about my practical reality. So now I am living the consequence of this. The character that I was playing back in these days could be called “elevated asshole who believes he is more than this physical reality”

And now I am pissed off with my mother because she struggles to ask me directly what it is she wants, where she is trying to please me in some way, to not intrude. The backchat that comes up within that is “oh she is being nice to me to keep me with her, so that I would be comfortable here at home and that I would like to come back as she feels alone without me”, “fuck she treats me like a child”, “she wants to spend time with me because I am the only sane person she can talk to when everyone else is fucked up”. So all this backchat is still a part of that same elevated character that is apparently not completely gone and so it’s being activated every time I hear this tonality of my name being spoken.

To be continued

 

Read Kim’s blogs to find cool way of debunking your name:

Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship

Day 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

Hi, My Name is Kim

Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I REALLY?

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