Ok so here I am continuing from yesterday where I started looking at specific tonality of my name being spoken by my mother. After spending some more time looking into this I found there are a few different tonalities with slightly different goals that my mother is utilizing when addressing me. In my yesterday’s writing I haven’t yet noticed the difference between the two and so put them both together. Today I want to make that clear distinction between the two.
I’ll start with number one tonality that I mentioned yesterday which is a soft, begging like sound. To put into context this is used when my mother wants me to go somewhere with her, but as most of the time I am busy my mother knows that there is little chance that I will thus utilizes this tonality to manipulate the situation. When hearing it I can already see that I am being manipulated. Seeing through this I still get into the character of feeling sorry for my mother because she looks really sad and disappointed and that she really wants me to go with her. From here I am usually assessing the practical point of whether my presence is practically necessary or not and if not then I usually state that I will not go. My mother usually still keeps the play going and here I have to really tell in a very directive statement that she can stop asking as i will surely not go, yet within me I am feeling sorry for her. Essentially her tactics is working but I just don’t show that to her. So energetically I am still holding the point.
The basic reaction that activates within me upon hearing my name in this tonality is irritation because of that bond that I am aware of but have not yet stopped.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation as resistance when I hear my name spoken in this tonality instead of understanding the whole pattern through first of all putting myself in the shoes of my mother and seeing what exactly it is that she is going through and why she is utilizing this manipulation tactics
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is also a part of me that enjoys this attention that I get from my mother which shows me that I am special and she wants to get my attention and spend time with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this “special” character is also manifesting within other relationships in my world in a very similar way where within it I keep pushing people away from me thus creating this attraction – polarity playout
So yes it is the “I am special” character that activates in that moment of hearing my name spoken in this tonality. The creation of this character I can see comes from the time where I was still participating in spirituality – raising my vibrations. I was becoming a radiant being – to whom everything and everyone is attracted and wants to be around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself more special than any other being in this existence thus proving to myself how light and love has blinded me from the simplicity of physical reality where each manifestation that is here is equally valuable as life as the dust of the earth and everything else that goes on in the mind is just an illusion as absolute self-interest separating and destroying the unity life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel too proud and special to spend time with other beings that are apparently less than me because they do not understand what i understand and that they do not stand for life as I do and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my example of practical living as the thoughts and backchat that goes on in my mind in no way proves that I stand for equality of life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I actually enjoy the “begging” and the attention I get from people asking me to spend time with them where as I see now that especially nasty I am towards my grandmother who literally begs me to visit her but I intentionally avoid going there within the believe that she is just not worthy of my company because of the life she has lived and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing within that the nature of human preprogramming and that there was very little or no chance for anyone realizing what actually is happening in this reality and thus it is now my responsibility to spread the message to all equally/unconditionally
I commit myself to stop living in my mind creating my own reality and become response-able to what goes on in my world where I realize the responsibility towards each human that I come into contact with
I commit myself to be here within all my interactions with other beings where I stop within that the clock of my mind constantly rushing me to some better place that is “more effective” for the process where I pretend to be always busy even when I am not and so I commit myself to live in self-honesty where I can always see whether I can or cannot spend time with another being and what other responsibilities still have to be done and so if in self-honesty I have time to spend with some family member I do it and when I don’t’ have time I leave confidently and within emotionless stability stating directly my position