It’s amazing how the mind is trying to distract me from having this moment with myself where I sit down and begin writing myself out where I have this cool opportunity of seeing, investigating, releasing, forgiving, correcting my practical living. I am sure I would have give in into these seemingly legitimate mind’s created excuses to not do what I am doing now if I haven’t had written about this point and wasn’t now aware of how these thoughts come up and try to direct me away from here. So within me I know that writing is effective if I am serious within my decision to change and so the mind knowing that tries even harder to pull the strings.
So that’s the point of today’s writing to talk about this battle that happens within me when change is happening. First it’s the realization that I have to change certain pattern that I see is definitely not supportive but purely abusive. After that that there is basically two ways that the story can go – I can either give myself more time claiming that I need more time or I start acting immediately which is called change in one breath which in theory is the easiest change yet requires absolute realization and within that absolute decision. In that way a lot of struggle is spared whereas when time is allowed – that means war and here the battles begin. Resistance to change. Very true with many addictions where many battles are fought which move through cycles in the end always culminating in the final battle where either I change or I fall into another cycle. That’s the point of self-honesty where I truly reveal to myself who am I.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse time when I use it saying that I need more of it to stop my abusive patterns of behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the battle so many times that I have lost self-trust in my ability to change instead of getting angry with myself and within that anger making the decision to do whatever it takes to stop the abuse
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate in absolute specificity the consequences of my abusive behavior and within that make the decision whether I want to be the abuser or the solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by giving into the abuse pattern I am empowering “the giving up” character within me from where standing up and changing becomes more difficult and where within that i am creating a whole array of consequences that are harming not only myself but everyone around me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the believe that consequences is my best teacher instead of inviting common sense to be my tutor
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that real change within patterns of deep seated addictions will require absolute commitment where I cannot expect it to be anything less than the death of who I believe I am
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write down in absolute specificity the new path as corrective behavior that needs to be walked when dealing with addictions
I commit myself to stop wasting time within the believe that I need it in order to stop my abusive patterns of behavior and within that use the tools of writing where I am more than able to script very specifically how I will act when faced with myself as the addiction character
I commit myself to assist and support myself with any and all means when I am facing a point of change realizing that it has to be done in one time instead of continuing the unnecessary battle creating unnecessary consequences
I commit myself to remove all judgment that I have towards the unwanted behavior thus disconnecting any relationship I have towards it
I commit myself to realize that there is a line and that there is crossing the line from where the change becomes highly unlikely thus I commit to not walk that far and do whatever it takes to change with the first opportunity that presents itself