This character has shown itself today at work when I was performing my duties and where my colleague then told me that I wasn’t following the correct procedure. To correct myself in that moment I had to go back and take the necessary equipment which I was too lazy to do and thus I said “fuck it, nobody is going to see me”. He insisted for a while and then I said to him why are you worried, who’s gonna see me. Inside me i was accusing him of being irritating where the backchat went like “what the fuck you care man”. So in that moment I completely justified myself perceiving the situation as completely unworthy of even being discussed. Moments later I was proven wrong however when my boss saw me and mentioned the point, of course I had to comply immediately, where I experienced some emotion within me. My ego that manifested in this moment had to take the defeat, still justifying the rules as stupid and judging my boss as being too concerned about nonsense.
Later my boss and me talked about this situation and he explained very clearly about the point as being an agreement that we have all made and thus have the responsibility to follow through. And it’s very true because I have even signed a document committing myself to follow this agreement, of course I didn’t do it from my own choice but just as a part of a requirement that was imposed on all people working this type of job. So this whole situation reveals my resistance towards rules and authority where I try to challenge the authority with my little tantrums that are so obviously and absolutely useless. I mean I have experienced myself in other similar situations what happens when certain rules are not followed and within that a conflict with authority is created, and where as a consequence that authority is compelled to take stronger measures to enforce the following of these rules usually by creating more rules. So it’s a useless fight that one is bound to lose unless one stand in the authority position where the decisions are being made.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist authority blaming them for the situation that I am in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within that resistance the “fuck it” character that serves as a release point to not feel suppressed and enslaved by the authority within my job
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uselessness of this character where it has absolutely no impact on physical reality and the only purpose it serves is to make me feel better inside myself while the physical reality remains exactly the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my colleague within this situation where he was reminding me my responsibility to which I have committed myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my colleague because of him being worried in this situation where within that I failed to consider that if there are consequences for this irresponsible behavior it can effect not only myself but the whole crew.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within such situations consider only myself and within that become a “fuck it” character where i am completely blind and ignorant to the interconnectedness of everything that is here and the effects that each of our actions has on each other and the reality as a whole
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and do things for which I cannot stand and be accountable and trusting myself that I have acted in the interest of all and not only my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through the resistance I experience towards rules and authority I keep myself enslaved to the conditions that I am in instead of accepting the system as it is and within that looking for the most effective practical methods to change it in ways that’s best for all
I commit myself to stop the resistance/fight with what is here as the system that is not considering what is best for all life realizing that resistance is only creating conflict that results in more restriction and thus I stand equal to what is here, accepting what is here, removing all judgment to what is here and stabilizing myself within here and thus empowering myself to become stable and within that see how I can contribute to make people within the system see and realize that respect for life must always be the priority
I commit myself to walk the system in absolute awareness understanding what each my word and deed creates as a consequence and within that make sure I always act within consideration of all parts of life producing the result that is best for all
I commit myself to upon seeing myself entering and becoming the character “fuck it” stop myself, realize that in this moment I am spiting the system of which I am a part of thus I am actually spiting myself and so I take a breath and do what I have to do according to the rules of the system realizing within this that it’s only through group action which is directed towards certain outcome can have an effect upon the system and so I commit myself to participate and act within a group that is directed and moves towards establishing a system that is best for all
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