Day 198: Inner voices directing the choices

I have seen in the recent days, or to be more specific, I have been shown how I am still creating backchat in me, how I am still allowing the inner voice to be the directive principle of my living where every day decisions and my whole participation in my world is based on the inner talk that I have in my mind rather than making decision in each moment based on evaluating/considering what is actually happening in my mind and questioning myself whether that is supportive for me and all else or is it actually, and it is actually evil and absolutely destructive and deranging for the relationships I have and build this world with.

So the point that was brought to my attention specifically was how I am creating this inner chatter (backchat) in my mind about a person that is next to me where I am basically judging them and creating this whole alternate reality in my mind that definitely affects the actual reality as my interaction with that person. So instead of me communicating my judgments with a person in the moment and within that seeing whether my thoughts about the person that I have in my mind have any validity I just brush it off as not important not realizing how the whole relationship from here gets infected with this backchat. I mean it was only later that I have seen what I was doing when there was already an
accumulation of all my thoughts and when they were already creating the consequence and influencing my interaction.

What is interesting in this is that in the moment when I was backchatting I didn’t see that as a problem, it was completely normal, something that I did for most of my life. Even when I got exposed still I tried to justify that my thoughts I had about another were valid and true not at all realizing within that the effect and the consequence of this acceptance and allowance. Yet I could not deny that effect when I saw the result where within one moment of interaction with another I missed absolutely the reality of that moment because my mind was now infected with the judgment about who the person is, And imposed this judgment onto a new moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have inner conversations about another person where I make judgments about the person from my own limited perception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the evilness of backchat where after going back to see the nature of my thoughts I could see absolute self-interest of my behavior in no way considering another as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not question and stop my behavior in the moment when the thoughts come up about another but I allow them to continue and build to the point where the whole interaction is now influenced and warped away from the actuality of the moment and I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how all other future moments will be compromised if I do not remove my judgments and ideas about another where my judgments will be like a filter through which I will seep and so warp the reality of what is here in the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify my thoughts, backchat about another where I try and give the reasons why I am right not considering within that another as myself and so finding a way to build a relationship of equality rather than just trying to be right and come out as a winner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to my personal limited perception of what is right and what is wrong and from here judge others behavior instead of remaining in breath where no past exists but only this here moment which is new and so I view the moment from the starting point of considering and including all that exists where within that I direct that which is here to be what is best for all

I commit myself in the very moment when the backchat about another arises to stop myself, realize that any type of inner talk within me about another, whether positive or negative is not normal as I always believed it to be and so I quickly in that moment establish the nature of backchat that I am having and deal with it either by communicating the point with another in the moment or if that is not relevant then I just utilize self-forgiveness for allowing myself for not being here in the moment but spending time in the mind


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One comment on “Day 198: Inner voices directing the choices

  1. […] by Arvydas I will continue here from my previous blog where I wrote about my experience of being in the mind and not being here when […]

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