Day 220: Hope is a Deadly Disease with Long-term Effects

It’s all been fine up to the moment where I heard a personal announcement at work congratulating me with the 30th birthday. Only here it dawned on me the fact that time is passing by and that it’s passing rather quickly. It made me think about my life and what I am actually doing with it. It became very obvious that I have been living more in a dream world where hope is the primary tool to keep myself moving from one day to the other. Still the reality, sooner or later, rather sooner than later, comes knocking on the door attempting to produce a waking effect and to make one ask some questions, like

“oh boy, where was I for the last 5 or 10 years,?” not speaking about the years before that

What was I doing with my life? Have I produced any significant changes? Have I ever stood up for something throughout my life or just hoped that I will watching the movies about superheroes and great people of the past and present? Who am I really and what the totality of my actions have to tell about who I really am?

I am sure all the people at some points in life get these realizations about the actual emptiness of their lives. Maybe that’s what is called the midlife crisis. The point is whether something is done about it or is it simply brushed aside where one is satisfied with knowing that other people also went through this midlife dis-ease at some point and they got over it, so I have to get over it as well, it will pass, I’ll just work hard to stand up from this and I‘ll find a way to shut my eyes and ears effectively and so continue my meaningless existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get absolutely angry with myself seeing that I have spent almost half of my life without producing any truly significant self-directive change in what I can see is meaningless and ineffective lifestyle that is in not challenging the current system of abuse effectively enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life being too much scared to become a being that visibly stands for life speaking up against the status quo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for means and methods to not see, feel or experience the atrocious truth of this reality that most of the earth’s beings are experiencing each day while I am waiting in hope for myself to stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and CON-vince myself that I am doing enough while clearly knowing and realizing that it is not so and within that thus manifesting the experience of guilt that is trapping me from becoming stable and effective participant in the process of producing real change

“And do Not let your Fear and your Attachment to the ‘Goods’, the Possessions, and the Inconveniences – or shall we rather say the ‘Conveniences’, that makes your life ‘easy’ – Stand in your Way.”Creation’s Journey To Life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the commitments and to not utilize the structures of correction that I have designed for myself during the process of writing and through simple realizations because they were interfering with the comfortable lifestyle that I created for myself and didn’t want to let go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of programming that determines every actions, decision I make and because of that I did not put enough effort to create the structure that would be truly practical in creating the change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea within myself that I am not good with structure and constantly repeat that statement to myself thus creating the excuse to not change and thus basically create this sneaky way to hold on to that which I like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the above statement I demonstrate and perpetuate the existent belief that people cannot change because I cannot change and within that look for confirmations to sustain this believe and feel great about the “falling” of others – all in the name of ME in order to remain who I believe this ME is

I commit myself to fuel the anger within me for all that has been accepted and allowed in this reality in the name of self-interest and to utilize this anger to change myself

I commit myself to no longer allow fear to dictate how I live this life within the realization that there is nothing of value to lose as the current state of the world reveals the dignity of human has been lost long ago

I commit myself to stop hope as the evidence is already here for me to prove that it has never worked and cannot work without self-directive action to create and produce real change

I commit myself to watch closely every decision that I make where I realize that in each decision I can actually see the future as mathematical equation of 1+1 answering myself within that the questions of what it will be – will it be the victory of self-interest or a new world that is best for all

I commit myself to investigate each aspect of my existent personalities towards which I am still attaching some value and do not want to let go and thus make a decision through realizing and understanding the simplicity of this design – ALL has to be gone before the new can come

I commit myself to no longer hold on to the self- limiting believes and focus more on the path already walked by myself and others where it is proven that change is actually possible

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